Leap to 2005

I am a model

2005-09-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

I can be a model day.

Have you ever got those boils on the soles of your feet after running barefooted on rough surfaces? OF COURSE U HAVE!! (If u haven't, i suggest u do some running on a rough cemented pavement. Possibly for about 2.4km) Yeah. Well, today so happened to be the day i got those damned boils. To make things worse, i have them on BOTH of my smelly rotten feet. Oh my. Now, the stinging irritations from these boils only makes me want to be bedridden and not stand up on my own two feet. Still, street soccer at THE CAGE was damn fun and saving all those goals, sweating like a hot sexy guy and just having fun was worth the boils. (this guy, whom i dunno his name but was my opponent, said that i can be a model! haha. can't blame him. i was half naked with nothing but a vs pe short and boxers on. kwang kwang kwang!! now now. pelase!)

hrmmz. skipped tuition. missed subuh, asar and magrib. FUCK ME MAN!! since when i've become this fuckheaded and start lying to my mom again saying that tuition was cancelled just so i can continue with my game of soccer. Lerr. but i love my mom. I love her alot. And i guess its ok to be mama's boy. yup.

I haen't done my lit essay and im tired, bored and lazy. bye

~hadi~

My apology for being vulgar

2005-09-15T15:13:00.000+08:00

I am sorry day.

To Sarah Amnah Binte Zaihan of my PW group:

I am sorry for all the wrong words that i have used against you such as Bitch and Fuck(which is not to your knowledge). You are actually a very nice person and you contributed as much as me and ming hui in PW. But that don't change the fact that i still hate the people who doesn't contribute (you know who you are) Dammit you guys make me so angry for not being diciplined and on task and not keeping up to your PROMISES. Ok sorry. I got overboard. Back to Sarah Amnah's public blog apology. Dear world. Sarah Amnah is a good unofficial secretary as someone in the group claimed that she would be the secretary, did not do her job at all. So, Sarah Amnah had to play the role of the "Surrogate Secretary". That is one good point of Sarah Amnah. She has chicken wing bone neck and skeleton fingers (as mentioned by Ming Hui) and she still has them. However, she is still qualified as a normal human being that does not need discrimination. I know you think that you did not contribute as much as some of us but at least u did someting and it was done. I will have to admit that you are not a freak. I am really sorry for some harsh things. I know you will forgive me so let's just be friends. Till then, let's just contribute to the stupid PW shit. Take care and good luck in your promos.

With Regards ~~and Remorse~~:
Abdul Hadi Bin Bohari

OH Sadly, i have managed to get some people thinking about what they've done and what they've not done and i don care what i write in my blog. This is my source of venting out all my anger so its not my fault that i write this. SADLY, i have to get rid of all this to prevent further misunderstandings. Damn i wish i can get this PW shit over and done with so i can get back anti-socialising.

~ciaoz

BUTO PEH INTERNET

2005-09-13T22:00:00.000+08:00

fuck my internet day

no realy. fuck my internet connection speed. It's been testing my patience for quite sometime now and it has just gone too far. Fuck it man. I've written an entry with colours and marquees with headings and stuff and then it has to hang on me, AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN!!!

Q: you know what i could use right now?
A: A CD which teaches all the topics we're learning for the promos, be it Econs, Geog or Lit, in a form of a song. 13 tracks of 5 minutes each would be fine.

I still hate my internet connection for many reasons such as making me read livejournal and blogspot codings in SQAURES and its fucking occasional hang ups. ARGH! leave me alone. i want to study.

bye. i wish i could catch another glimpse of you before the promos. Either that, don't see me then.

~ciaoz

2005-09-11T00:20:00.000+08:00

Listen to me. Ok now stop. day.

I've been blog hopping for the past x>15 mins and i must say some entries do really touch me. (no i was not physically touched) Let's see. How old am i again? 17 years and 3 months and 5 days. Currently schooling in a JC where they place ur brain in a vice clamp and sqeeze all the juice they can get from u so u can help contribute in making the world a 'better' place to live in. Come on. I really miss being 7 and being such a stupid kid back then. With that stupid hairstyle ur grandma gave u. With those really tight and short pants you wear to school everyday. Trying hard to act cool but realising you're barely 10.

ok lar. in short. we're ageing. before u know it, we're dead. haiz. y am i thinking about what happens when we die? I really could use someone rite now, and say "Hey, let's talk abt the future." and actually feel good about it. No qualms, no sense of uncomfortableness (<-- please check if there is such a word), no nothing. Just an open conversation with someone you can call your own. Bahh im tinking too much.

~~To the girl whom i will one day fall in love with and actually will love me back:~~

Fuck lar. I'm not that desperate dammit. its just one of those days u wish you could have it all. u think i'm really going to post it? wahaha. suckers.

~ciaoz

Hadi was crying @ 12:20 AM

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

actually, i was about to write something personal down here. However, due to my state-of-the-art mind, i realised that 99.9% of you guys will realise that there's more to the entry in this column. Well you're not gonna get anything from me because you guys won't understand. Either that, im just being whiney. Sorry then. Well, congratulations upon making your way to this "top secret nak mampos" paragraph. With this, I, Abdul Hadi Bin Bohari, certify that you are just another curious human being where another person's privacy is your source of entertainment. Harsh? accept it.

a few things that's bothering me rite now.

2005-09-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

Too sick to bother about anything day.

Here are some of the things that are currently irritating me.

Number 1: The Retarded Dancing Cow with the stupid Bananas advertisement by HL Milk

Frankly, that's the most disgusting freakshow they ever premiered on television. Makes me think twice about eating beef. For those who never saw this ad before, its a simple add with a stupid cow dancing with a banana on its head, followed by a slogan "We're going bananas!". Well one thing's for sure, i'm going bananas! Dammit i feel like puking each time i see that ad. It's like taking one of those cows infected with the Mad-Cow syndrome and leave it wobbling itself to death with a bunch of bananas on its head. Oh sweet mercy!

Number 2: My hair

Dammit. The wait for the Messy hair-do is just too long. My hair's too unbalanced right now with the fringe behaving at its worse. So now im considering whether i should just go back to being a short haired boy or continue being patient and let it grow, grow and grow. Either that, BOTAK!! (no way dudes)

Number 3: My No Use Good For Nothing PW mates.

Useless team. I don't give a fuck what u guys want to think of me but honestly, u aren't even helping at all. Bitches. Appoint me group leader, knowing the fact that i'm irresponsible, and still can blame me for our lack of communication. Cibai. Fuck you guys. I have to do the shitty 2500 word Written Report ON MY OWN and you guys never even fucking contribute in passing me your ideas (except Ming Hui) and getting this shit done and over with. I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning while u guys snored in your bed or did whatever shit u did just to ensure that our team don't get scolded again and no one even bothered to ask how our Written Report is going? Fuck. I'm not gonna be responsible if our team gets a lousy grade. Fuck u bitches. Your excuses are pathetic and lame. fuckers.

Number 4: [Thanks Anu for reminding me] This Fashion Boutique.

Fuck this place. I hate this place so much it irritates me down to the bone marrow. I love my mom so much but This Fashion had to ruin my mood by playing stupid CHINESE cover version songs over and over again and that really ticks me off. And to make things worse, i was browsing through some shirts for my sister when i stumbled upon this OH-SO-CLEAR IMITATION converse shirt. Oh tell me, since when did Chuck Taylor create a brand name D-Sense-E: all star? What the fuck was This Fashion tinking? Lame shop. It's so cheap, i'd buy one of their dresses to wipe my ass. I mean, the clothings there are so AH LIAN and come on man, im not gonna let my sister turn into an ah lian. (farna if ur reading this, im not refering to u.) My mom wanted to pick my sis a sleeveless. nononono. no sleeveless. Well, overall my mom bought a very nice pink shirt there. Take note of the word "very" and "nice" because the odds of finding a very nice clothing in This Fasion is 1/infinite. I love my mom very much so thank god for my mom that i didn't burn This Fashion down.

Number 5: Thinking of irritating things that's going on in my life rite now.

yes people. i am currently irritated. Don't ask why but I just am. Call it stress. Call it problematic. Yeah. I don't know man. Promos is coming up soon and im still down here chatting? Oh my god. I can't believe the holidays are coming to and end. Urgh. ok i dunno wat more to add.

Oh and i saw that Fat Ang moh nanny from Villa Wellness. What's her name again, Vanessa? Yeah. Well, one thing's for sure, she's out. Yup. Out as OUT can be. Is she still fat u ask? Well i saw 3 layers of god-knows-what on her hips. Looks like exfoliation. Well can't blame her, Villa Wellness DID try rite? I hope Sally's thinner now. She's a bad nanny. Smoke in front of babies. My my. Well there's exists a theory that smoking burns fat. Guess she's still trying to slim down.

I am currently half naked. If asked nicely, i will strip myself and become fully naked. But what's the point. Even if i did, you guys won't know that i did anyways. :p

ignore that. bye.

~ciaoz

go away

2005-09-03T23:50:00.000+08:00

Happy Israk Mikraj day.

Went out to study. Went to arab street. Went to Syarahan. Home. <- My summary of my day in 4 sentences.

Why? That's all i ever want to know. Why? I've been doing fine (or at least i think i was) trying to move on after all those scars that u've inflicted on me. I've forgiven you. I've given u space to build up on the relationship you formed behind my back. You did fine. Your life ended up being much more blissful than mine. You lived the life i've always wanted to live. Every thought that i have of you now cease to exist. I hate you. I hate you so very much for holding back that chance, for making me lead myself to false hopes over and over again. You're happy now. So why do u still haunt me as if you're so depressed that i'm not even close to talking terms with you? Isn't that what HE wants? Isn't that what YOU want? Back when i almost took my life to prove that i can't live without you. To live my life alone without someone to support me like u did? Now you come back to me and u tell me u want to give me back each and every single note or letter (including those gifts) that i ever gave to you? Did it ever cross your mind to ever consider the significance of what those things mean to me and to you? The fact that i worked so hard to produce something that translates what i feel deep down inside of me, is going to be handed back to me? Everything? I kept each and every note that u have. Pictures, Collages, Letters to even God Knows What. I keep them because they exist as a memory. Something to remember you by when I grow up. Something to remind me that there actually existed a point of time in my life where i met someone and unknowinglly went through a stage of life that only comes once. Frankly, you want to return me those stuffs that i gave u for the times we've toiled and endured together, i'll take it back. But it really saddens me that you're erasing me out of your life and everything we've been through as strangers, to friends, to lovers. If this is what u want to have in your life, i bid u farewell. Don't worry about me as I don't need you in my life anymore to find anything that concerns happiness and peace. I've learnt to overcome those shit u've put me through and i won't let you do it again. Till then, it was nice knowing you. goodbye.

~ciaoz.

Happy Teacher's Day

2005-09-01T10:57:00.000+08:00

No use for a Title.

To any teacher reading this entry: Today's your day i guess. For all those times you had to endure our nonsense. For every moment u feel happy or disappointed at your very own profession. This is the one day where you are truely appreciated and honoured for all your hardwork and perserverance. To every teacher who have made a difference in my life and set the course in which i will take in my life, Happy Teacher's Day.

It's 11:02am right now. It's a miracle! Hadi is actually awake before 12pm! Well, since its a holiday, im thinking i might just use this chance to catch up with my studies to prepare myself for the promos. It's just around the corner. I wish i have that spark of zest to give it my all like how i did during the O'levels. This is the worst Final Year Examinations that i have come to dread. The fear of retaining, the fear of collecting the result slip in your hands and realise that you're actually not good enough to take the next step up the ladder. Come to think of it, the degree in university is very common now that i guess its just better off just living with a diploma. I want a contented life not a high-end living. If one day i'm rich, i'm just gonna use my wealth to give my mom and dad a life they never had. I want to take care of them and make them feel at ease and happy for a change. It's the least i can do for them after all they've done for me. Yeah. Guess there is a reason that im JC after all. Better not fail them now.

I still can't believe it's 11:07am. haha. Supposed to go collect my guitar back from Adib but there's no news from him. Supposed to go acoustic sessioning with Alfian and Syafiq (abang Joe) but there's no reply from them either. So i guess the idea of "studying during teacher's day" is all set in everybody's mind. In that case, i might just do the same. Not much people online right now. Could it be that they're sleeping or something?

Ok here's an impromptu plan i made up:

Today - Saturday: Study Human Geog
Sunday - Tuesday: Study Physical Geog
Wed-Thursday: Econs
Friday: Maths
Weekends: Lit + Gp

Ok that's not helpful. i neglected malay which falls in 20 days time. wahaha. WHAT?! 20 DAYS TIME?! oh shit. that's really not a piece of comforting news. well.. bye.

~ciaoz.

2005-08-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

Happy Teacher's Day Eve

So happy teacher's day dammit.

Let's see. I'm really glad Aces Day dance is finally over. No more dancing like a faggot. No more dancing to hip hop. Yup. However, it was really an enjoyable experience. Faculty Student Leader Captain whatever. Wahaha. Well, after all those gay dancing and taking photos with the student leaders and celebrations marking the success of this Aces Day crap, I just walked out of the school gate, which was apparently ungaurded, and left with the rest to skip school as i wanted to go back to my secondary school at any cost.

Whatever lar. Went to Hafidz house as a initial meeting point. It's been quite sometime since i last saw him. Well gotta say his new Polytechnic haircut is much more nicer than our old secondary school haircut. Wahaha. (Eh i want his hair lar dammit) Ok let's just get to the point. Met hafidz, met arrifin, went to Loyang sec, performance was nonsense and shitty, bla bla bla. The main reason i went back to school: Friends and Teachers. Yeah i promised Mr Heng that i'll come back to see him for teacher's day. Mr Anil is also one guy i can't forget when i go back to that stupid chee bye school. Haha. Forgot to say hi to Mr Boon though. This are the teachers who helped me score distinctions! yayy!!

Eh yeah. Hope Mr Koh gets well soon. He claims he has a sickness and i believe him as he looks like a stick now as compared to the last time i saw him all fit and stuff. urgh.

Got to meet the Group Of 4 (G04) again. They are: Me, Akmal, Hafidz, Abid. Woohoo. AFTER SUCH A BLOODY LONG TIME!! haha. great. Hanged out, catched up, talked, played street soccer, acted stupid at toys 'r' us with all those 'props' lying around the store and took pictures of it (will put it at friendster when i get it up) and slacked at Akmal's place. I miss u 3 buggers u know that? somehow, NO ONE in this world so far can make me laugh and feel happy about myself as compared to u guys so thank you dammit. Damn i feel so gay but i can't help it lar. Shut up. I'm going to shut up now so u guys know how much i treasure our friendship ok? Ok u can punch me now for this gay paragraph.

It's really been awhile since i last felt this good and happy. If only i could feel this way everyday. Haiz. When i close my eyes tonight, it will mark the end of this feeling i am feeling right now. I'll end up waking to a heavy heart and troubled mind yet again.

Well.. till then, the happy Hadi says goodnight for now. =) bye.

~ciaoz.

2005-08-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

Tues-Wednesday

First and foremost, let me bring up a this scenario that most of you might have gone tru at least once in your life with a computer.

Scenario: Here u are happily typing away with a fresh train of thoughts in your head with a clear direction of what you want to write in todays entry. Suddenly, when u reach 90% of completion of your entry, the com hangs and u're forced to restart with no hope of recovery of EVERYTHING that u wrote the moment before the crash.

Dammit. I hate this. i wrote so long now i have to remember what i wrote. Ok let's try..

----

Was listening to: Warbrain by Alkaline Trio.

I was saying that i couldn't get this song out of my head. I'm literally addicted to this song as i kept repeating the song on my playlist over and over again. and i ended with an "ahhh!!"

then.

I reminded myself that i have not been getting myself geared towards changing the layout of this blog as i've been busy mugging. So, i told myself that i should find at least an hour of my "unorganised, unplanned, not-going anywhere" schedule and use it to change the layout of this blog since everyone's gearing towards a change. I also said that viewers have to endure the simplicity of this layout and endure the same ol' pictures "marquee-ing" on the top right hand corner of this screen and the same tag board and stuff. So.. Rah!

Oh yes. I highlighted an issue about me recently reading people's blogs and LJ's and realising that majority of their recent entries are mostly depressing or pessimistic. I told myself that i hope that this entry would not turn out the same depressing entry because Life is more than just rainy days and feeling down. Without a doubt, life is faced with many obstacles and currently, most of us are at the edge of a cliff, about to fall off way down to the jagged edge with no one to save you from destruction. I know. I feel it too. A good friend taught me that a wise person would learn to adapt with his problems instead of brooding over it and letting it grow into a bigger one. But who cares what i was taught. I just want to say that it's more of how u react to these changes in your life and tackle it that changes the whole perspective of how u view 'life' and other stuff. So stop being pessimistic for a change will ya? A few pessimism here and there is perfectly normal but every single time of your life? Hrmz..

Right. I remember saying something about me being aware that no matter how much i wish i can turn back the hands of times to the day that i first met her, its impossible. Yet somehow i wish that this whole mess would be sooner ended than it begun. (oh man my english sux) Honestly, its hard for me to ever look at you again with a simple hello coated with a simple smile. It's hard for me to walk down those corriders normally anymore. Still, we're gonna exist in the same compound for the next 1 1/2 years or so. Well, i just can't find the words to describe this situation but i know you're going to be perfectly fine. You always have. You always tell me that you're alright and being the person that you are, i believe in ya. So, i don't suppose that i'll ever get to just sit down with ya and chat anymore because im afraid that i might cause some.. i dunno, discomfort? Hey, i hope you know that you're still my friend no matter what. Just thought i'd write this down since it's all i ever get to think about lately. Bleh.

Oh yeah. Congrats to the Hockey Girls who played a good game just now at the Girls Soccer Open Thingy. (Yeah anu, i came down ok. someone can dribble still want to step "don't come and watch me cause i suck") wahahaha. Still, it was fun lar. Ok. Forced myself to do some maths just now and i guess i managed to brush up a little on the applications of diffrenetiation and also on AP/GP. Argh. Susah man susah. Aces day falls today.. and before i forget..

Happy Teacher's Day. No i did not get u guys anything because... I HAVE NO MONEY!!!

thank you for reading. Have a nice day.

~ciaoz.

I'll pray you'll be fine

2005-08-29T23:53:00.000+08:00

I'm really sorry.

Never once did i realise that settling down in a new environment was this hard. Alrite I confess, it's breaking every internal piece of me down to the very core. Yet, there's nothing more i can do but to oblige to the current situation that i'm in. Major poo-poo.

Ok reality check: 4 more weeks left to the Big Kahuna. Promos 2005. Frankly, majority of the J1's are now gearing their mindsets towards mugging and other stuffs that aids them acadamically(which is good of course). At least it helps as a distraction to all those voices in ur head and all those weights being added to ur emotions. Let's see. Aces Day coming up soon and i really lack confidence in the NDP song. Goodies seems alright with me. It ain't that tough cept for the chorus where i feel quite gay with the movement of the shoulders. Ouch.

Hey, i hope you're doing ok. Yeah i guess rumours do spread fast in TPJC and the curiousity just gets to each and every one of us. If i knew better, i'd prefer just shutting my gap right from the start than maybe this would'nt have happened in the first place. This wasn't how i planned it to be. You know, sometimes i want to run away from TPJC and stop schooling so it might ease everyone's pain by looking at me with fear and doubts. Ok maybe not. Ok whatever lar.

A smile is hard to come by nowadays, what more, a simple laugh.
People tell me to take it easy and i know real well that this is tough.
watever.
bye.

~ciaoz.

I lost $130. best eh?

2005-08-28T19:14:00.000+08:00

Fuck lar day.

Let me write today's ~~FUCKED UP~~ day in a angst-filled punk song:

Mosh!

start by singing with alot of angst and shouting and jumping here and there.

1st verse:
I LOST $130 WORTH OF TUITION FEES
I FORGOT HOW I LOST IT BUT NOW IM PISSED
FIRST I LOST MY CALCULATOR NOW I LOST MY TUITION FEES
ARGGHHHH

chorus:
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
TO THE EXTENT OF LOSING $130 WORTH OF TUITION FEES
$130, NOT $2, $5, $10, BUT $130
MAN THAT'S A LOT OF DOLLARS.

2nd verse:
NOW I MUST STARVE FOR 3 LONG WEEKS
TO SAVE UP $40 PER WEEK FOR 4 LONG WEEKS
BUT THAT WILL ONLY EARN ME $120
THAT'S NOT EQUIVALANT TO $130!!!

chorus

3rd verse:
BUT ALLAH TELL ME THAT ITS GOING TO BE OK
THAT TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY
THAT ONE DAY MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED
WITH ANOTHER $130!!!

bridge (no more screaming):
clumsy. i ain't no feeble clumsy bastard.
now im very angry that i feel victim to you
my calculator, my tuition fees, my friend..
LOST LOST LOST LOST!!!

chorus (with very loud scream mcm orang giler nak mampos)

finish.

2005-08-28T02:08:00.000+08:00

I'm fine day.

Train Of thoughts.

you're like those dreams i have where they just come & go as they please.
i close my eyes shut & try to get back dreaming but to no avail.
woke up to find myself lying face first on the floor.
what a way to reward those countless hours of tosses and turns.
another wreckless week feeling miserable and blissed at the same time.
hooray for the idiocy of the human race.
its not like i didn't warn u that THIS might affect our friendship.
its not like i never knew that it would one day come to this.
That 'one day' has eventually passed & here we are facing its aftermath with great pride.
i often think of you despite the fact that emotion is dead.
i'm really sorry that i did.
it seems to me that a decent smile is hard to come by now.
urgh my eyes are heavy.
the clock keeps ticking, recording every second that just passed me by.
and it ticks, and it ticks, and it ticks.
soon enough i'll be old, writing my will on my decomposing deathbed.
i can't determine that, only Fate will tell.
anyways.
i'm fine.
i guess.
My mind is much more messier than this.
i appreciate the effort u took in avoiding me.
i never asked much.
i only seeked a mutual friendship.
Yet i guess the blame rests on me.
and i respect and accept that.
well, till our eyes meet again.
I'll do what i can to not exist.
Then maybe u won't feel uncomfortable anymore.

~cioaz.

Time for Change

2005-08-26T23:09:00.000+08:00

Plan for a makeover day.

Bismillahirahmanirahim..

Here goes. In short, my days are turning more and more stupid and pointless.

Yupz. [The Daily Routine: Wake up at 6:30am. Study like crazy. Go home and destress online.] Yeah that's how its going lately. Oh yeah, many of my friend's livejournal/blogs layout have changed. I guess this is a hint that i should change mine too. Ok i'll change my layout once i get some decent time to not think so much about my promos which is going to commence in as early as 5 weeks time.

Aces Day workout. I'm starting to get the hang of it. It's more fun dancing like idiots with Asri and laughing our ass out and stuff. I hope it goes well next wednesday when the real deal is put to play. It's been a long time since the last time i did a stupid act and Asri caught me on video doing it. Lol! There's this super steep/gentle but still steep slope near the canteen and i used Azfar's bike to ride down that slope. It's stupid because any fool would know that it's: (1) Dangerous. (2) I might get hurt. So anyways, i did it, got my balls enjammed and fell off the bike when it landed on the ground. That was fun. I'd sure like to do it again.

I hate jamming. Not at least when we don't waste our money playing noise and watch a friend who wants to practice an instrument sit there and not get a hands on experience on something he likes. Oh man i feel bad. What's with that fucked up attitude anyways? You think we want to go in that stupid room of yours and play songs with you? Come on dude, im not born yesterday. Stop pissing me off cibai. I came to support u not bother u dammit. Yah lah u guitar legend. You can play solo, i cannot. You very hot and cool. Siak tul.

What else? Let's see. As at of now, i'm just too nice for everybody that im just too nice. So wat has too nice have to do with anything? So now what, i'm supposed to be the direct opposite? I'm not here to fit in. All i want is a sense of friendship. Not some: "Oh you're too nice. So i have to avoid u because you're too nice." I'm not buying. U guys can just do what u want and i'll pretend i don't care.

I want to study. bye.

~ciaoz

Syarahan

2005-08-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

Syarahan with Uztaz Ahmad Dahri Day.

Hello.

Just to let you know that i feel like preaching so majority of the content of this entry that you are about to read are mostly related to Islam and its teachings so if you hate listening to preaches and things related to faith, there's always the 'x' button at the top right hand corner where u can simply close this window ~~and surf some porn and get caught by your mom when you're in the climax of ejaculation.~~ (astaraghfirllah..)

Anyways. Didn't study in school today because the regulars aren't around. Robo went home. Alfian was lazy. So it was just left Nazeerah and me on the MLEP room computers. She watched the DOWNLOADED VERSION of Charlie and the Choc factory while i watched trailers of upcoming movie. Hey guys, watch out for "The exorcism of Emily White" which is released this September 9th in the US. It's far more scarier than "The Exorcist". Besides that, i think i just took my gp online quiz (and forgot to print the approval slip) and then went to syarahan at Masjid Al-Taqwa.

Ok this is where the preaching is going to start. So to those who aren't interested, u can close the window now.

"Bismillah-hirahman-nirahim" --> In the name of Allah, maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang. (go translate it yourself lar.) Everything that we do everyday, never forget that it's in the name of Allah. To the simple things we do like starting the day or drinking a cup of water, remember that if not for Allah, you will not be able to see the wonders of another day. If we were to weigh the weight of this entire galaxy with the simple sentence that is "Bismillah-hirahman-nirahim", nothing can compare to how much that sentence means. The fact that the entire galaxy, far beyond those that we've discovered, is "in the name of Allah" shows how signifance these sentence is in our daily context. (oh i remembered the uztaz saying something about 7000+ malaikats gathered to cherish this sentence.. i might be wrong here so ignore this bracketed phrase.. but i remembered it was 7000+ ok!)

Anyways. There's soo much i learnt today and i wish i can share it all with you guys because it's logical and is related to our world that we're living now. However there's just so much to say that i don't know if i can organize and finish writing this entry with you guys getting a concrete understanding of what i wrote. At the syarahan just now, the uztaz said something about: "The people who make fun and look down on those who try to uphold their religious beliefs and practicies are those who are hypocrites who don't deserve God's Love." Such as people who make fun of girls who wear tudungs when they go out saying that its someting that is not in the trend or watever and start to discriminate them. Chances are, they're gonna end up in suffering in akhirat or as so he said.

Ok im no uztaz. I'm not close to being one but i'm really facinated by what my faith has in store for me to find out. I just realised that we must learn to part with the things that we hold dear in our lives if its in the path of Allah's blessing. Simplest example would be zakat. In your wallet, u have a $2, $5, $50 and a $100 notes in your wallet and a tabung is passed around in a masjid during syarahan. What are the chances that you would donate the $50 or the $100 note into that tabung? Chances are, you'll feel heavy to part with this big notes as you know that u might use it later somehow to buy something that u might not need. See? Up to $200 can be easily spent without consideration whether it is in the name of Allah or not, such as going to a Siti Nurhaliza concert, blowing $200+ in an instant while u can use that money to give it to those who need it more than you do. This is just a minor example. Imagine parting off with an asset that you realy can't part with? It's going to be damn difficult for you to make a choice huh..

In short, let's just all take a minute of our busy lives to reflect on our lives and bersyukur that we're living in this world as who we are today. Allah maha pengasih lagi penyayang. Allah tidak memilih kasih. Everyone is equally loved and given a fair chance to determines how we live our lives regardless of who u are, what u believe in, what u do or where u come from. Start every activity with a "bismillah" and insyallah, your hubungan with Allah akan sentiasa erat dan kekal. The only reason we're living a second/minute/hour/day longer is because Allah is giving u this oppurtunity to taubat and repent for all the wrongdoings that you have done such that "Janganlah kamu mati melainkan mati dalam ___ sebenar-benarnya Islam" or something like that. (you get my gist. Our elders chronically tell us this every time. help me fill in the blanks. i dunno whether is keadaan, nama or iman. haha.)

~--- ok dah. preaching over.

Well, to those of you who disagree with what i say or bear hatred against me for preaching, i apologize. If you have added me at friendster, you would've noticed that Islam is one of my Interest/Hobbies so i have every right to post what i want on my blog. I know that some of you might think that i'm acting "all pious, all saint" by writing this entry because u guys know me best but i assure you that all that i have written down tonite was from my heart. I hope that in away, my Muslim friends will cherish this thing called Islam and work hard in strengthening their ties with Allah. Amin ya rabbal alamin. Insyallah. bye.

~ciaoz.

Studiuos

2005-08-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

Just another mugging day.

Finally, for the past week i have managed to get myself to study up to hours as late as 9pm. Been much math and geog revision. Let's see what i can recall:

~Differentiation~
Chain Rule: (u+v)³ = 3(u+v)²
Product Rule: u(v) = U {dv/dx} + V{du/dx}
Quotion Rule: u/v = [ V{du/dx} - U{dv/dx}]/ (V)²

ok lar. just started on Differentiation. Give chance lar. I still don't know how to diffentiate trigonomic functions lar. well besides maths i guess i still have others to mug on such as Geog and Econs. Lit i think im going to take a chance since I passed in during Common Test. These are the topics that are not going to be tested for Human Geog this coming Promos:

1) Deforestation
2) Noise/Air Pollution
3) Land Use Conflict

How helpful. Out of the gazillion topics she's going to test on, only 3 is omitted. Not helpful. But i guess it's better than noting so, quite helpful. Lol. So not much to write on. I'm really lethargic and stuff. And oh! I'm Leslie's and Fatimah's "Motivational Angel" (according to Miss Lee who assigned each of us in the class to be each other's angel) haha. And i was continously using reverse psychology on Leslie such as: "You're nothing but a failure!", "You're a stupid maggot!" and stuff to motivate him. We had alot of fun really. That's what he did to me that made me pass and stuff. So thanks Leslie. I hope this is working on ya as well. haha.

Oh and Mr Raynold's PC class is VERY enriching. The poems he gives us are faboulous. I love it. haha. ok bye.

~ciaoz

2005-08-22T21:58:00.000+08:00

Plug in Baby day.

Firstly, let me congratulate Umar, Syafiq (council), Abbas and Zaini who go by the group name of "The Momoks" upon making it through the Teacher's Day auditions 2005 earlier today. It was really a fun experience performing and though Alfian, me and Syafiq (The AHS) didn't make it through, i do hope you guys enjoy yourselves and i hope that you guys would make the teacher's day celebration a blast. Once again, congratulations upon your triumph.

Current status report: Sick and Hated.

I got my excuse from malay class due to extreme influenza and i swear i made enough sneezes to blow my nose off into a million pieces. Due to which i wasn't able to make it to GP or Geog tutorials even. (Oh i heard i got the highest in the surprise class test on Plate Movement Theory) Oh yes, i just passed my math test on Trigo Functions, which i had a strong feeling i was going to fail. Haha. I just want to score. Please let me. Please let me go through the promos. I swear i'll do my best. Ok maybe swearing is too much but at least im trying so please, let there be hope.

Ok i'm really angered by a %. Was it revenge or real unintentional actions? I thought its all cleared and settled? Now i get hurled with profanities and the cold shoulder? Dammit, today was just Not My Day. (cept for the part when i got down from my dad's vehicle and i saw here with her Ah Beng Hair which looks damn good lar. Haha. ok hadi shut up.) I feel like reporting absent for tomorrow's school day. However, there's that PW shit to settle and I'm the lousy group leader who have to provide some sense of direction to where my group is going. So, mucus or no mucus, i have to go school. Bummer.

Tried to study. Yes i tried to after praying my Magrib Prayers. However ended up sleeping cause i was excessively lethargic. When i opened my eyes, alfian asked me to go to the rock climbing area and we did those Mtv Jackass stunts like jumping on the chair and falling down hard on the rock climbing mat. There was this particular jump i made, i landed vertically on my arms and i swear for 3 seconds, i thought i was going to be a paralysed forever. But nope, ended up vomitting je. Should've bought a video tape or something. But it was fun. rite Tol? haha.

Oh yes. Thank you Leslie and Chee Kian for coming to support the Auditions. You guys rock. And Thank You Chee Kian and Leslie for noticing that i tucked in my back shirt into my underpants and that it was showing as i walked about and then messaging me on my handphone which thus saved me from public humiliation. Now i really feel bad for all those moments u say i Pang Seh'ed u. I try my best no to anymore k. haha.

Till then. Bye.

~ciaoz

2005-08-20T01:36:00.000+08:00

Dear blog day.

Dear blog;

Hi. My name's Abdul Hadi and as at of now, i own you. I occasionally turn to you to let out what i feel inside myself, yet you remain passive and unresponsive. Are u just a tool to broaden my vocabulary, publish my life accounts and promote good writing skills or something? Gee i wonder. You're just something that exists in cyberspace. Millions and millions of small particles that makes no meaning to me, yet i love you. I've been blogging since i can't remember when. Why blog? Why won't you at least say something?

Ok ignore the first paragraph.

Anyways. Aloha. Yes we all know that I am Abdul Hadi. What we all don't know is that people don't give a fuck anyways. I mean, a gazillion billion people (ok dasyat!) who live in this world, why bother about Abdul Hadi? So don't. But that's besides the point. Point is, im making myself into an experiment that i want to carry out. In short, i am my own guinea pig. Ain't that fun? My aim is to see how long i can endure with this lack of sleep and then waking up only for the purpose of religious purposes or mugging. Now THAT'S what i call, "living it up, the JC dream." (ok i made that up. u can beat me now if u want.)

My plug in baby. Crucifies my enemies. I'm tired of giving.
My plug in baby. Unbroken virgin realities. I'm tired of living.

oh man. that's so nice sia. and. what's there to write about eh. i'm happy being a sessionist if there's a gap to express myself via music or literature. at last. at least. im bored. 2:13am. k bye.
(anyways, to ____, im sorry if i made your life kinda messed up or watever. i got this feeling that somehow my actions are linked to something about u feeling bad about yourself. Please don't. ok.)

~ciaoz.

Stop acting like kids.

2005-08-18T21:36:00.000+08:00

Tag! Now im the bastard day.

To those who think im a bastard. Yeah fuck it. I'm the motherfucking bloody son of a bitch who bastard people. Happy now?

A band is not a tool to be cool. A band is where people with a common interest in music get together to express themselves via musical pieces. I didn't betray any of you damn it. It was an impromptu decision. It's not like we're splitting apart!! Stop acting like kids will you everybody??

Yeah fuck all this nonsense about, "Oh you're such a motherfucking bastard for not telling me or playing with me." Did i ever say that im not playing with you? Did i say that i don't want to? Yeah take a big pole, stick it up my ass, so deep that it comes out of my mouth. Do what you want because music is my passion. Music is a way in which i express myself. Think what u want of me, i never wanted to be liked anyways. Kids. Bye.

"And in an instant, friendships lie on the brink of destruction as something so silly could tear them apart in a blink of an eye..."

~ciaoz.

Poem again

2005-08-18T00:42:00.000+08:00

This is it day.

Imagine. What it would be like if you were mine?
To open my eyes and wake up to an eternal sunshine.

In a perfect world where its just you and me.

No one to stop us, no one at all.

We could paint a rainbow or just watch the sky.

We could go for a walk and count the clouds passing by.

We could do anything we want, anything at all.

Just promise me you'd catch me if ever i fall.

If one day i were to walk this path alone.

Don't ever worry about me, i'll find my way home.

In this realm where i dream, i dream of you.

You. Nobody else, but only you.

I never got a chance to get to know who u are;

I never did believe in making wishes on a shooting star,

For if wishes came true, i'll have my wishes by now.

Still, i wish i can see u again, somewhere, somehow.

-hadi 2005-

~ciaoz

The Best Friend award. taik tul.

2005-08-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

"Best Friend" just won't leave your side, even if u don't need them day.

Best friend. haha. its not easy to put someone out of your mind, no matter how hard you try, they will keep appearing at times when u least expect it. At that moment will u feel afraid and lost. Yup. sigh. So much for "yes its time to forget about this thing called "oooh i think i like her" and get urself geared to studies". Urgh.

~ciaoz.

Farna.. should i give up on ya or someting?

2005-08-15T22:09:00.000+08:00

It's time i give up dreaming and concentrate on my studies day.

Someone told me that its best i just stop dreaming because its a waste of time even if i tried that i deserve someone better and bla bla bla bla bullshit bla bla... to me its nonsense. but to the idea of reality, i have no choice but to oblige. Yes. Oblige.

Anyways. I found a new place of interest: The TPJC Library. I'm trying to get myself comfortable in staying back late after school to actually sit down and get myself to do studies and some revision. YES PEOPLE! HADI IS TURNING INTO A JC FREAK BY ACTUALLY GETTING HIMSELF TO STUDY!!!
ok. that's that. I actually like how school has evolved now that we're bombarded with Surprise Tests and everyone's in the mood to study. It actually motivates me. I just hope that i can make it through promos. Fullstop. (By the way, i'm listening to Aqua-Candyman and oh my god its a super nice song.)

Is there anything else to talk about? Let's see. Nope nothing. The Library is a resourceful place. Trust me. Ok i got the mood to do some newspaper cuttings and then read up on "The Strange Case of Dr Jackal and Mr Hyde" Ooohh.. Gothic. k bye.

~ciaoz

Plug in baby

2005-08-14T17:54:00.000+08:00

Same day, new entries.. day.

Oh is life becoming more of a repetition. At least that is how i think it is. Maybe its more of what's going on at home. For the past decade i lived in this house, nothing's changed. Maybe its time the Bohari's moved out for a change. I want to go to California and run naked downtown.

Do catch Hiroshima later at 7:30pm and one more at 10:30pm called "1945: The year that changed the world." Very good documentaries. and. no more news. yeah. ok bye.

~ciaoz.

7 weeks left

2005-08-14T00:39:00.000+08:00

Alot of things running through my mind day.

Well, let's see. 12:42Am, Sunday on the 15th of August 2005. As at of now, a gazillion tons of things are running through my mind. What u might ask? Oh the usual. Friends, Family, Life and all those normal conventional teenage ideas and mindsets. Yeah yeah boring, i know. Well, its not that boring when u actually sit down every night and start thinking what u've done right and what u've done wrong. Who did u make happy? Who did u make worse off? All these stupid thoughts that could keep u stoned the whole week and still not find an answer to your own questions. Fascinating isn't it? Think about it.

National Day's gone by. Happy 40th Birthday Singapore. Now please grant me some freedom so i can't have my very own Jackass show? Let me run around naked or do some stupid things for my viewing plesure and destress and not be jailed and end up having a future oh so bleak? I never asked much. I just want some freedom. U make me study about you and your history and i still have uncertainties about my future with you. You get fireworks and parades on your birthday while u don't even care about mine. Gee, now i see the reason why i want to migrate away from here. The system here sux. U live your life in fear of doing the wrong thing. Any slight mistake means jail time for you and there's no second chance in this place. Too.. Lee Kuan Yewfied. watever. catch me, lock me up, throw away the keys forever. i could use some long-term- isolation.

So as i was in the bus just now on the way to god-knows-where, i saw these bungalows. Those filthy rich ~~motherfuckers~~ who live in super big houses and have peoples heads turning each time they pass by their houses. Then i began to ask myself whether i could afford that one day. Would i be able to live that day to even make it to a university? Heck, promos is 7 week away and im just beginning to settle down with the passing down of the O'levels. My dreams and ambitions of being a scientist/biologist is shattered. So what now? Hadi the Business man? Mr Hadi the Teacher? If i'm going to University to be a teacher, i might have as well just accepted the goverment's proposal to provide me a bond to be a teacher with a subsidised school fee. Who am i now? What am i to become? It's getting on my nerves.

I wish i knew wat it feels like to have someone special in your life ~~again~~. Someone u can't wait to meet after school. Someone that makes u feel all funny and good and everything in between all at one shot. Relationships don't make u happy. They just make u worse. People nowadays love to marry, not marry to love. Where did feelings go? With the rise of betrayal, two timers and divorce, there's no more meaning to the term "falling in love". Cynical. Afraid i have become. Ask around. Guys are being the victims now as the Succubus prowls free. Sigh. What a system.

Anyways. Im thinking of terminating my handphone line. No one messages, no one calls, its as if no one cares (except my mom who constantly calls me to come home early). If its just my mom who contacts me, i mite as well just buy a walkie talkie. No monthly subscription fees. Free incoming/outgoing whenever i like. isn't that better? I pity my mom. I try so hard to keep in contact with people cept it just doesn't work out as i thought it would be. Well, that's the reality of life. Gotta just face it. No use complaining when nothing can be done anyways. So yupz, Abdul Hadi's phoneline is on the brink of termination.

Anything else? nope. i'll end here then.

~ciaoz.

Another Poem

2005-08-10T01:07:00.000+08:00

Wedding Crashers!! day.

It's 1:10AM again. 24 hours ago, my mind was blank. here's what's going through my mind 24 hours later..

Hope. Just another word to keep your spirits high.
Truth. A fragment of reality that causes hope to die.
Death. At least its better than a life filled with lies.
Love. Another reason for me not to say goodbye.

Friends. Human beings with problems of their own.
Home. A place i keep thinking i feel so alone.
Family. The people i love who have watched me grow
Grief. A feeling that takes me away from all that i know.

Someone, somebody. Can u hear me calling?
Anyone, anybody. Do u care that i'm falling?
i hear your voices, but i don't know who's talking.
your words, so sharp, its as good as provoking.

Patience. How much longer must i wait?
Tolerance. How much more can i take?
Ignorance. All those friends that i made.
Liars. I'm really hoping it wasn't a big mistake.
-Hadi 2005-

~ciaoz

Willy Wonka bebeh

2005-08-09T16:21:00.000+08:00

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, Wanks.

Charlie and the Choclate Factory: The movie

Rating: 4/5

Comments: It's really not that bad. Knowing that the story is closely based on my favourite children story book by Roald Dahl, i knew i had to watch it. Johnny Depp played his character well and i have to say i liked the ending which seems to be a twist as it's not how it ended in the book. The songs and dances performed by the oompa loompas were catchy and great. Lame scenes were ubiquitous and its hard for you not to laugh. Agustus Gloop is one funny lad. Cute guy with a funny accent. haha. its moving. has a family moral value behind all this. Watch it to believe it. yeah.

so anyways. My second time having an outing with my sister watching a movie. The last recount i have was Madagascar. Well, i think i favor these outings as it strengthens family bonds as they all say. Today is yet another family day, after a long time. Rite.

Speaking of 'a long time', it has really been ages since i last saw an "anti-political movement" outside Tampines Mrt Station. Today's encounter was much more entertaining. 4 idiots standing with this book called "the power of courage" and then they saying stuffs like:

"We are the people who rule singapore not the government"
"Make a stand now"
"We live in a country where the government earns millions while u earn *i dunno wat he said*"

I was tempted to take a look but then i saw this bunch of police officers with guns and stuff in their hands so i just walked away. damn i'd love to see a riot strike out if given the chance. Bought a GP Model Essay book just now to help me pass GP for once. haha. ok bye.

~ciaoz

2005-08-09T00:42:00.000+08:00

Happy national day ~~fuckers~~.

What was going on in Abdul Hadi's empty mind at 1:10Am.

I guess it's time i face the truth
That no matter at any angle that i look at you
i'll never make contact with your hazel eyes,
the window to your beautiful soul.

And with every thought that i have of you
I wonder if you're thinking of me too (i doubt so)
the life of another ordinary freak
trying too hard to make it through the week

it's ok to say, that it's not your way
to ever find time or spend a day
of catching up or having fun
or maybe its just not me to ask you to oblige at all.

Papers hearts set out to burn
& in its wake shall we then learn;
"Trust neither your heart nor your fragile mind,
just let time pass by, and maybe you'll be fine."

Well.. im ok. really.

~ciaoz

2005-08-08T23:04:00.000+08:00

Happy National Eve Day

First and foremost, TPJC's national day concert is super kental lar. haha. The Marching In Parade suck. ok sorry. The concert also very, disorganised and boring. And what's with the shoe bag? Why never give us a watter bottle that has more value? ok nvm. Wat a day.

I got a new shirt. Vintage baby. Almost got the new From Autumn To Ashes CD which is damn sedap lar. Ate alot today after shopping. I got myself this new specatcles which has this transparent frame. STYLE! Tanx azie. really.

i forgot how to do logarithm. dammit. and i really feel like giving up on these voices in my head that tells me "hey hey.. i think the heart says that u should do (_this and that_) today" only to realise it leads you to nothing. or some feelings like that. yeah. gonna accompany my lil sis to watch Charlie & the Choc Factory tomorrow under the expenses provided by my mom. So its a free movie. ok good. so bye.

~ciaoz.

2005-08-07T19:09:00.000+08:00

I'm sick to the extent of dying day.

hi.

Guess what, i think im falling sick. Or at least i already am. Woke up in cold sweat in the wee hours morning only to find myself in the toilet vomitting out what i ate last nite. What made things worse, i woke up again at 11am to vomit out nothing but bile. Oh blood came out of my nose though and i freaked out since i HATE blood. Things are getting better now i guess. My body's warm and my throat is running dry. I think im getting spasm. im shivering. yipes.

I congratulate Wana (Deviantart) for winning 1st prize after submitting a picture she took of ME at the train station thing. haha. She won $500 and im so damn proud of her. haha. (Bum, matair ko menang duit lar! haha.) Life's so fun modelling for people.

i'm sick. im tired to write more. my fingers are falling apart. prone to detaching.

~ciaoz

2005-07-31T23:13:00.000+08:00

Back to the study mode day

To all those who have supported me and the TPJC Perdayu group in coming for Manifestasi 2005, I thank you all with all my heart. Hope u guys enjoyed the show as much as i enjoyed myself up on stage. Thanks for all the gifts and memories u guys. I hope our friendships last forever and hopefully, insyAlllah, we'll get to do this again another time around. Well till that day comes, i wish u guys the very best of luck and joy in life.

Let's see. I don't want to talk about Homecoming. Though i've enjoyed myself there but i have to say we suck. Yeah i highlighted the word suck. Ok let's just say i have a problem with singing in front of a mass crowd whom some i don't even know who they were. and sadly, our timing was off and Mohsin came in late for "Friends of the enemy". Lol. The crowd (Hey u gamblers who tai-tied throughout the whole homecoming) sucked. Excluding those who came to mosh and stuff. woohoo. it was good i guess. still.. im paranoid. so much for living up to my mid-term dream. (i admit. i suck. haha.)

memories will remain forever in our minds and forever shall it remain there till we die. forget these times i will not. Miss it, i shall. i wish i could go back in time and relive it all once again. yeah. tomorrow's another schooling day and parents are nagging and whining me to study and not retain. It's not like i want to be retained!! Please. im trying. give me space dammit.

~ciaoz.

2005-07-29T18:26:00.000+08:00

Manifestasi Day!!

Let me divide this day into 3 chapters:

Chapter 1:
Today's the day. Finally. Manifestasi 2005. The day we've been waiting for. The whole Cast, Dikir guys and girls, Tarian groups and JK's and others who are involved in the production. Today is OUR day. OUR night to rock. OURS. I thank all of you for the joy u brought me and the experience u put me through and stuff. yeah! go manifestasi!!

Chapter 2:
I just finished with the Matinee show. It was great. Though the audience was small, the energy level we set was to its maximum. Despite errors here and there, im convinced that we've put up a good show. I'm in the MLEP room rite now feeling bored in the corner and im reflecting as soon as this day ends, things are gonna change. I'm gonna miss the cast, the crew, Azmil, Nabila and Hafizah who taught me how to act and stuff. Yeah. They taught me how to act to the extent that some damai secondary sch kids actually thought i was a crazy person due to the potrayal of my character. haha. It's not MY fault that Meon is a belo person. Sadly people now begin to think that i AM Meon in real life. That's very sad. well. 1 and a half hours more to the REAL show with REAL audience with REAL energy all over the auditorium. Till then, i'll start with Chapter 3.

Chapter 3:
To be written...

Oh yeah. have fun and take care of yourself at LTC!! Wish i could be there but sadly i can't. well.. tata.

~ciaoz

2005-07-28T15:10:00.000+08:00

Pre Manifestasi and i came late and never attended any class day.

how great.

woke up at 8am today (which proves i was/going to be late for school) and reached school at 9am. It ain't my fault i woke up late. I was damn tired to the extreme! So made my way to school and on the way there, i met Adam in the bus and he told me his stories of skipping tutorials. so i did. i reached school and skipped Literature.

brb

ok back 24 hours later. as i was saying. Yesterday(which was supposed to be today)was the last manifest practice/rehearsal together and honestly, it was moving. Note of the day: I slept my way through the lessons and end up not going to any lessons at all. kwang kwang. haha. Missed faculty econs test and just to end it off, the day was tiring, sadly happy and memorable. i'll miss it. i'll miss manifestasi 2005.

~chiaoz.

2005-07-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

2 more days..

as soon as manifestasi is done, i think im going to shave my head and then quit school so i am able to:

1) not feel like a stupid dog stuck to his leash and not get the freedom to enjoy what's left of his life. Yeah TPJC band. i got manifestasi. its not a new cca and its a school event. u want to kick me out, go ahead.

2) not trouble anyone with my presence be it whether they like it or not. should've just sticked to the idea of not being sociable when i first step foot in tpjc.

3) get away from feelings that i can't comprehend.

4) get the sufficient sleep that i need to maintain my vibrant youth.

5) shut myself up from the world and NO im not gonna cut myself or watever form of mutilation that brings hurt to my body.

I need a break. A rest. Analyse the nonsense that's running through my head then come up with a conclusion of what i want to do.

To the Manifestasi Crew:

All 14 cast members: Rizal(wak satay), Rozaini(usop), Ruzaini(dusson), Umar(razak), Syakri(pak salleh), Alfian(apek), Asyraf(atan), Faiezah(mak senah), Marya(mak timah), Marlia(ayu), Nazeerah(siti), Ain(eton), Hana(Suzanna).

The dikir guys and girls and u tarian people and ESPECIALLY to the directors and MLEP students and teachers. Thank you very much for everything. Yeah seems to me im getting sentimental and faggy but i don't know. Feeling lethargic and fucked up right now, i begin to think of all these people that i've been spending the past few months with and its like we watched each other's development, forged new friendships and gone a long way. Its one of those days when ur thinking of the days ur gonna say goodbye and then u become all faggoty and go "oh im gonna miss u all and i love u all and i wish we'd never part" that type. yeah. that's what's in my head now. i hate band. though i love percussions. but i just feel like the ego level there are so high, they're exploiting us. damn. watever ar. time to do homework.

2 more days u guys!! LETS DO THIS!!

~ciaoz

2005-07-26T22:58:00.000+08:00

I love this day.

Today, my GPP is FINALLY approved and i can start working on my project work. I really hope that i'll get some good project work grades at the end of this year so that i'll pass on for university admission. Other than that, i'm still trying to balance my studies with my day-to-day activities (especially with all these inter-faculty games going on..)

Oh yeah. speaking of inter-faculty games. Here are the results for today's Inter-Fac Soccer Tournament.

Arts faculty emerged 2nd with a 4-2 win in the semi finals and a 4-0 loss in the finals. haha. well, it's not that bad. at least we get to bring something home. i love u my arts fac team. all of you. (Tomorrow's my inter-faculty softball tournament. i wanna win!)

Today and tomorrow is the Manifestasi practice night. As u all know im performing in this big school production this Friday and so we're gonna have these 2 late nite (till 9pm) practices so that we can polish ourselves clean. Well, firstly, it's really tiring. Next, with the pileload of homework to do, i can die i tell u. Yeah well i got econs essay to do now so can't write much. Just want to say that its been a good day (besides the blackout that i faced when i ran 2.4km tadi. YES I NEVER COMPLETED MY 6 ~~FUCKING~~ LAPS!)

I got to play softball with her at last. haha.

~ciaoz

2005-07-24T21:22:00.000+08:00

Sun Sun Sun Day.

Nothing much today really. I got to see Danish again. He's able to walk on his own now and its really cute how he like to run around when i brought him to the playground to play. heh. How fast time flies.

so anyways. all i want to write about in this entry is how much worse can we humans actually get. Well let's just qoute this scenario i had. I was walking to tuition just now and i saw this auntie wearing a veil sitting with her husband under a shelter. Ok that's not so bad. But the way she sat was so.. obscene. She just sat there on her husband's lap just like at any moment a lapdance is about to happen and they're gonna lie naked there having sex in public.(Kalau ye pun, jangan lar pakai tudung cik. Nak step tutup aurat tapi tetap duduk macam nak mantat. sial peh perumpuan.) Honestly, that disgusts me. So fuck yeah. i walked along and less than 30 seconds later, i saw this two teens making out. ok a common sight but what disgusts me is that they're malay. It shames me. I accept the fact i used to be the person that i loathe now but please.. get a room.

Its really sad. That very neighbourhood where i used to spend my childhood days back in primary school was so virgin and chaste. There's no mats, not public sex viewing, no hooligans or stuff. A decade down the road and it comes to this. Man, i feel like writing the Taking Back Sunday song down now. "A Decade Under The Influence". Haha. Yeah well i sure wish i never grew up and the world remained the happy place we all once lived. Next week is going to be a busy week so. ~~FUCK YEAH!!~~

~ciaoz

2005-07-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

Lethargic but equally exciting day.

Oppsie. We lost to Team TMAC and no matter how hard i did to defend my post, i gave the game away by letting in a goal through a deflection. Sigh. Well, i have to admit that TMAC is by far the most hardest and toughest team i've met in the inter faculty soccer competition. Barely a few minutes into the first half my throat rans dry from running. Well, all i know was i did my best and it was just a game. We're through to the Semi-Finals anyways. So go team!!

Rite. I'd like to make a public blog apology to Ahmad Khan for kicking his ball till it landed on a non-reachable roof. And for that, I got my pants down in front of i dunno how many people and sadly, i wore a green underwear which was tattered and torn. Such an embarrasment. Well, looks like i gotta fork out some cash to repay him the ball. He's a nice guy and i feel bad already.

We played a game of softball just now after the soccer match and boy was it a whole lot of fun! We took turns batting and Aan and Khai were the best yet ar. I'm better on the catching. Made 2 dives and i caught the ball!! HAHA!! (Tanx Loyang Sec for giving me 2 years of experience on softball training) Ok whatever. I just hope im in the softball open with Arif so i can win and maybe impress somebody. LOL!

oh yes. im skipping Leadership Traning Camp (LTC) for Manifestasi and 30th July performance at Ngee Ann Sec Homecoming. My first ever live show and i won't miss it for the world. Oh yes. I'm the Captain of the Faculty department thing and im a leader now. It suits with the meaning of my name "Hadi" which means "Leader". Wahaha. Ok whatever. my ego's getting bigger. Shall stop here. I'm really tired the past few days. Played Soccer, hockey, rock climbing, softball and i don't know what. But it's fun really. Still, i gotta concentrate on my studies. I MUST!

Dates in which u can find Hadi making a fool of himself, Live:

29th July 2005: Manifestasi @ TPJC. (my acting debut!!) starts at 8pm. Tix are going at $5 and are selling fast.

30th July 2005: Ngee Ann Secondary School Homecoming. (my first ever live performance!!) Starts at 1:30pm. Tix going at $12.

5th August 2005: TPJC band concert. (ahh the usuals) starts at around 7:30pm. Tix prices $12 depending on seats.

i want to join softball. or maybe hockey. someting that keeps me fit. can i see her, again?

~ciaoz

2005-07-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

Im so tired but i like it day

TPJC Arts Faculty 2005 Soccer Team 1:

Don (GK)
Me, Arif, Amin (Defenders)
Khai Amri, Elton, Ahmad (Midfield/Strikers)

Matched Played (as at of these date):

Science A - (won with a 2-1 lead)
Science B - (drawed with a 1-1 score)
Science C - (won with a 2-1 lead)
Science D - ( to be squared off this Friday)

--- Ok that's the results.

I love the Arts Faculty. So vibrant and full of life. So energetic and promising. And to my team members, all 6 of ya, just want to say that i'm glad to play with you guys. I never played in a soccer team where there's so much communication and passion until i played for you guys. I hope i made u all proud by doing my part to get us this far. We'll strive ok? We can do this.

Right. After the soccer match, went for rock climbing trials for some rockafest thing which Azimah dared me to go. (promised her oladi ar. cannot run away) Then asyraf helped me secure a position and then i climbed up only to know that its going to be the most embarassing moment of my life. I managed to climb 1/4 of the stupid rock wall and then i realised i lost the strength to push forward (come on!! I JUST FINISHED TWO SOCCER MATCHES!!!) and then i wanted to let go. But asyraf played a prank on me by saying that if i let go, he won't secure me down. SO, i hanged at the wall like a stupid cicak kobeng and was screaming "LET ME DOWN U ASSHOLE!! MY HANDS ARE SORE!!" and asyraf was "no way. climb sumore or i wont let u down." I was shouting so loud that i swore i caused a commotion and everyone just crowded to see me there. 3 words ar: OH MY GOD!! so i just released and realised i've been punk'd. Ok azie. no need to write on ur blog. I wrote it down here oladi. hahaha.

Then played hockey. Eat at 7k. Ask dad to fetch me cause i was down with the flu and tada.. u guys are able to read this. ok bye.

~ciaoz

2005-07-18T22:47:00.000+08:00

Im so tired and Mr Dan is a kotek PW teacher day.

Right. Prior in which i shall begin, i must first salute Ng Chee Kian, my classmate for making me laugh till my stomach ached so bad for unintentionally yawning so loud during Geography Lecture just now. hahaha.

Right. Next. Manifestasi practice. TIRING LAR!! I practice so hard only to realise im a wimp up on stage. Alfian made those funny farting sounds on his armpits which made me laugh up on stage and that affected my performance. (Dusson farted at my face when i was trying to clear my mind from stage fright. the sound was very pekat. u don't get this on sub woofers in a home entertainment system. This i promise you.) P.S: Im really sorry Faiezah that u had to lose ur watch, wallet and ur hp during practice. I hope we find who the culprit is then we can skin him alive and cook him up for Pesta Padiwarna!!

Right. Impromtu Jamming session and i really liked today's session alot though i wish i can stop screaming into the mike. congrats crimson tears. :)

I'm tired. Mr Dan is really pissing me off because of his insolence to accept the fact that i have already handed in the God Damned GPP!! Fag. Just approve it so i can go on with u. PW is such a drag. really. University Shchmisity. I don't need a degree to go to hell or heaven. Allah wants my deeds. Ding dong tul. Yeah im just tired. I think im going to bed now. Bye.

Events that scarred me today:
1) 3 people said i look like Sylvester Sim upon seeing my new haircut today
2) I had a cut on my right eye when the sepak takraw ball smacked right in my face. No i did not go for a treatment and it still hurts.
3) Im really tired and homework is piling and time is against me.
4) eh i think i like her alot and i felt threatened. lol.

watever lar.

~ciaoz.

2005-07-17T22:24:00.000+08:00

The last day of the week day.

Tuition was cancelled when i actually hurried to get my ass on time. How nice. Jammed in the morning and got a thumbs up from a stranger. Been awhile since i got that. Made a new friend. He's nice. He is Hafiz from SP in the business course. Thank you Leslie. Well. Been stoning in front of the computer since 5pm and its 10:27pm now.

Hrmmz..

As I went out of the toilet after my ablutions just now, I took a good look at my grandmother who was fast asleep on her bed. She looked so calm. The beauty that she already is. I love her so much that i can't bear to part with her. I want her to see me graduate from University. I want her to be proud of me for what I have achieved in life. She cradled me when I first breathed the polluting air of this world and has cared for me ever since. My parents, both my mom and my dad, have raised me this far and as i look back at every shame that i have brought upon them, i wish that somehow i can turn back time and start anew. All those mutilations, all those sins, all those lies. Oh how i wish they could see what's inside me now. I'm in great pain. I'm crying out for help but no one hears me at all. All i want is to repay the life that my parents gave me. I'll work hard for it. I promise. I'll take care of them when they're old and weak. I'll take care of them like how they took care of me. I really feel helpless. I know that they love me but why don't i feel it? When i get home, i feel as though im the source of success. High expectations lie on me. When im outside of my home, i don't know who i am anymore. My idendity, fragmented. No one to be there for me when i need them the most. I study 7 days a week and my grades dont show. What is this? Who am i? Why is this hard?

I miss you. I do. You're moving on. I'm really happy for you. Now its my turn and im taking this slowly, a step at a time. It's so different. We used to do this together. Now im doing it alone. No one to catch me if i fall. No one to assure me that everything will be ok. No one to make me feel that im special. Petty am i? Demanding things that don't come easy. Hoping for a life that's never there. Who cares anymore? Surrounded by hypocrisy. I just hope i don't end up being one. Is there still hope in the existance of serenity in this world? We gotta make a change and we need it now. I love you: my family and my friends. This is one of those days where i begin to question the meaning and purpose of life. & till i find the answer will i be happy. Till i understand why pain still exists will i overcome what is in store for the future. Till then, im weak and fragile. Till then, someone will use me. again and again and again and again......

I want to study. good night.

~ciaoz

2005-07-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

Sat-err-Day day.

Today, was Meet The Parents of The JC-1 Cohorts Day in TPJC. I went with my mama. As much as i was embarassed to arrive in school in my dad's Company Van, i figured i don't have a sense of embarassment at all. So, what the fuck. Well, the university talk was fruitful. Now i'm torn whether i want to go to NTU or NUS. (initially my mind was geared towards NTU but NUS made a very convincing speech) However, that depends much on whether i make it through promos for me to earn a chance to even sit for the damned A'Levels. (yeah yeah gotta work hard and all this nonsense). Found out Farah's (05A01) mom was my (05A03) mom's ex classmate. Wow! What a small world we live in. What's more Hana's (Suzanna in manifestasi, 05Sxx) mom is my mom's workmate. (Either Singapore is too small or my mom is too popular) Wow.

Someone did someting to her hair (im going for rebonding or a simple cut) and it looked really really nice but still want to deny that the hair is still the same. Apodah!! haha. its a compliment. really.

After that go syafiq house with Jenggot to eat the burger syafiq cook. Not bad not bad. Free and get cheese with the burger. Now how often do u get free cheese and a free burger? How often? Well i got my chance today. Syafichochachos Burger with 2 cheese that is free. Priceless.

Then go jamming where Mohsin late. Broke stick. Pay $2 and Apek Tom today very good mood. Mohsin, Syafiq and Jenggot are most probably at Baybeats now (the one where i CANNOT go because of TUITION!!) However, i learnt someting at tuition. The Matrice Tutorials are tough from question 7 onwards. HENCE! i will decide to do it now. so. bye.

~ciaoz

2005-07-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

i wish, i could see u again. or at least i wish u could see me right now. there's still vast emptiness within me. i don't want to move on, but u did. i don't know whether i am happy for you. i will remember u as that one person who changed the way i viewed life. things are so different now when you're gone. i keep thinking that somehow u still feel the way i do. guess im wrong. as i write this, i still feel ur presence. somewhere within me, u exist. u changed. i changed. the love i have for u is slowly deteorating. all i could use right now is your friendship. you don't trust me because of the things i did in the past. u don't trust me anymore. what is my purpose now? i'm sorry for leaving u alone. i had to do what i must because my presence means nothing to u anymore. my attempts to save what remains is to no avail. i don't want to be one with the school. nobody cares. im failing. i miss you. i want to see u again. why is it so hard to see u or talk to u? please take me back to when i first met you. then maybe i can make a choice of what its like to really look into your eyes and tell u that im going to be there for u no matter what. if only.

i dedicate this to you:

With ur absence, i finally begin to understand
I'm nothing much to you, not even a friend
As time rolls on, memories remain
As we move on, we'll get over the pain.

i really miss you alot. i hope u won't forget me.

~ciaoz

2005-07-13T22:10:00.000+08:00

I feel like shit and i want to write poetry day.

Neither a whore nor a slut;
Neither a bitch with big butts;
You're not a succubus from the fires of hell,
Ur cheating on me rite? Hey! I can tell. :)

~~ Lame ~~

Fear the wrath that u have casted
down on me, with revenge u seek.
Shut the fuck up u fucking bastard,
you faggoty little piece of shit.

~~ Lamer ~~

Barney was a dinosaur
Who comes from our imagination
Shut the fuck up u fucking whore
I'm going to send u to the incineration.

~~Lamest~~

Yeah!! Now that's a lil piece of work i can hand up for Literature (PC) for any next poetry assignment. Maybe it'll get me a fucking PASS for a change. Well, im dead gone tired. Manifestasi trainings are going great and im gonna miss everyone when all this is over. Got my ass in many of the Inter-Faculty games and im kinda worried about playing Goalkeeper for the Arts Fact. I mean.. if we lose, they're gonna blame me for being a lousy keeper. I hate that. What the heck. Im geared to study mode. Yeah. Ok. Im more vulgar nowadays so don't talk to me (as if anyone does anyways). Yeah. So. Bye.

~ciaoz

2005-07-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

Happy Welcome me back to the blog day.

To my Father. I love you super very much. haha.

Why i love my dad so very even more based on today's incidents:

Incident #1:

Me, my dad and my sis were in the living room watching "Back to the future 2" together when all of a sudden he asked me:

Dad: "Hadi! Have u heard this indonesian band called "Peterpan" before?"
Me: Yeah i do
Dad: Nice rite their vocals!
( haha. oh my god. i love my dad because of his attempts to be cute! )

Incident #2:

Me and my dad were eating evening lunch together or someting like that when my mom came home after driving the company van and complained to my dad:

Mom: The company van smells of smoke. Are u back to smoking again?
Dad: No. I don't take the van alone. I have friends who hitch a ride with me. They smoke.
Mom: What about you?
Dad: I don't.
Mom: Noorbi (my aunt) smelt the fresh scent of ciggerate when she took the van just now.
Dad: Each time my friends smoke, i clean the van to clear the smell. Maybe i haven't been cleaning enough.
Me: ( Almost choke on my mee hoon. )
( Haha. Ur selenger bacin-ness is soo like me. I think i love u for that cuz u crack me up dad! )

Incident #3

Me and my dad and sis were watching "Back to the Future 2" when all of a sudden my dad asked me:

Dad: Hadi, can u open up a Hotmail account for me?
Me: Sure. But y not use Gmail instead?
Dad: Gmail? Whats that? Can i save alot of emails in it?
Me: Of course.
Dad: Then please help me open up an account for me?
Me: Let's go!

( haha! im gonna wait for him to open a future friendster account. oh man. he's so young at heart. i love him! )

~ciaoz

2005-07-06T21:16:00.000+08:00

Lack of sleep and i flunked my test day

Latest news:

AO maths Common Test results for Abdul Hadi Bin Bohari, civics group 05A03 = 6/60

Yeah. fucked up i know. For a guy who takes AO math tuition and has some clear understanding in what he's doing, 6/60 shouldn't be a mark i should be getting. But whatever ar. JC never was easy anyways. Now im more concerned about my Econs, Lit and Geog which are my 3 core A'level subjects to be taken next year if i make it through promos. I dont want to repeat. I don't want to fail. (wonder if there's still any places in poly left.. haha)

Right. Manifestasi tickets are out for sale and my character is now as 'belo' as ever. Well that's Azmil expectations for my character. This means i have to act super stupid super good up on stage. Tough challenge but someone's gotta do it. Right. I'm tired. Been getting lack of sleep lately and my eyes are constantly burning for sleep. My mood's been affected hard and i tend to just keep to myself, vomit and yell at people. Ain't my fault i got a mood swing. Depression's getting hold of me again. Ok im really tired now. Gotta write up on my GPP and pray that my results turn out good. k bye.

Rating of my day: 39%

~ciaoz

2005-07-02T22:10:00.000+08:00

Weekends are getting boring and i am sick day.

Woke up lying half naked on the floor at 2pm today. Yeah i skipped ngaji again because Nadiah and Sabrina could'nt make it for ngaji today so i thought its best i just continue sleeping. Right. Nothing much in the afternoon today. Played the com, surfed the net, tried to catch the drums for some music from Thrice and played some Xbox.

Okok here's the highlight of the day(or should i say, night). I was at the bus stop waiting for the damned (noticed that the damned is bolded which thus emphasise the significance of the bloody word) bus service 14 to make my way for tuition. Dammit, i waited close to 40 minutes waiting for the stupid bus as other busses made their way through. Ok and here's the best part, during the wait, i saw this fat guy running across the busy (busy is bolded here) road and almost got knocked down by a car. In my mind, i was hoping that he could at least get knocked down or someting and provide me some entertainment as i waited for the bus. However, a few seconds later, 10 guys dashed across the busy road shouting "eh come back here. catch him. catch that bastard! (or someting like that)" in malay. Then, with my super logical processing brain, i realised that that poor fat dude was actually being chased by a group of gansters or angry mob. Poor guy. Eventually he got caught and the 10 people carried him and took him away. Funny part was that he was that fat that they had to stop and rest and carry him again. Most probably, im assuming he got whacked hard but not the extent of death. Who knows? Well, all we can say is that: "Our neighbourhoods are not safe anymore!"

Learnt the "linear law" at tuition today. Fun nye. K bye.

Too sick to rate my day.

~ciaoz

2005-07-01T02:30:00.000+08:00

I still wish i don't feel this suicidal & that someone would like me day.

Hey. It's 2:35am on a Friday morning. Everyone's asleep now and there's exactly no one to turn to or talk to right now. Even if there is, i don't feel like talking to anyone because no one would seem to care or i'll already know what they're going to say. Anyways, first things first, i didn't make it through for the School of Rock competition. Well, there goes another chance of living the dream of performing up on stage in front countless of people i've never seen before. Well, hope ya guys are happy im going to die a lonely man.

Ok officially, Common Test is over. I don't know if i'll do well but a mark is a mark. A fail is a fail and it makes no difference. Its just a stupid number on a stupid paper that's not related to the ultimate meaning of life. Why does the world make a big fuss about how high ur quailfications are anyway? I mean at the end of the day, does it not lead down to the fact that we're common and we're smart in our own ways? I really don't understand ourselves. Go watch War Of The Worlds (which i give it a 4/5 rating for alot of reasons) and you'll get what i mean about how complacent mankind have been evolving and become. And Lost is not so bad after all. I love it. really.

Right. You know, alot of my friends are getting back with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends. I don't know why but i just hope they're happy. Then i begin to wonder, its been reaching almost a year im waiting for (her name here). Yeah i've learn to move on, living each day without her making the best out of my wretched life. However, all i get doing things on my own are stupid cuts and truths that i cannot handle. I don't know. I surfed through her friendster and her pics are painful. I surfed through his (the guy she left me for) friendster pics and i saw a picture of them mouth-to-mouth. Oh how nice. I don't know. I feel as if there's no point waiting if all she wants to do is just enjoy her relationship with that guy and then turn to me when all things fall apart. I feel like a spare tyre. Really. There's a 1001 reasons why i don't want to let go but at times like these, i wish im free. But then again... people think im gay. My ex girlfriend cheats on me. No girl likes me. What a wonderful life i live.

I'll never forget what Tom DeLonge said to me:

"If you want the pain to go away, better suck up your pride and admit, you lost her. Let her go."

Oh Tom. If only wat u said to me was easier done than said, i'd be as famous as you my friend. I'm taking my AO Malay Oral examinations later on after my Friday prayers. I wonder if i'll even make it through Promotion exams and make it to Year 2. Oh my god. Life can really be so sucky but then again, Allah knows. Maybe my life ain't THAT bad. Maybe its just the way i think about it. But then again.. i still feel that its really crappy. Ok. bye.

Overall rating of my day: Who fucking cares anymore%

~ciaoz

2005-06-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

Yo Mama Jokes Day.

Here are some Yo Mama Jokes that i have selected from here.

- Your Mama is so poor that each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers.

- Your Mama is so old that she still owes Moses a dollar.

- Your Mama is so stupid that when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me: 'Which colour?'

- Your Mama is so ugly that she makes Micheal Jackson look like Brad Pitt.

- Your Mama is so smelly that farmers use her bathwater as fertilisers.

- Your Mama is so fat that she uses a king size matress as her sedimentary pad.

Ok. That's one featured "Yo momma" jokes from the website listed above. Man some jokes are really funny. Some are just, boring and lame and not worth the laugh. But its worth releasing some stress. Do check it out. The categories shown above are bold anyways. Hope ya enjoy the jokes posted above. If you're sensitive, that's not my problem, leave a tag on the tagboard below on how much Hadi is a mother fucker on how he makes fun of people's mamas online. ok bye. its 1:24am and im listening to those stupid techno songs with Edwin. haha. Dr bombay.. i Love dr bombay!!

~ciaoz.

2005-06-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

The "this is soo not my day" day.

Why my day turned out bad:

1) I woke up late for my Literature exam. (Exam is at 1pm and i woke up at 12pm)
2) Felt pissed because i initially planned to wake up at 9am to study but nooooo i didn't.
3) Then i went to the bus stop and waited for more than 20 mins but noooo, it didn't come.
4) So i took the taxi as i was late but halfway through the journey, i realised i have no money at hand.
5) I thought of going to the ATM machine to withdraw money but i realise i only have $15 so cannot withdraw.
6) End up making a stupid U-turn home and there goes my $10 that's supposed to last me the remaining days of the week.

Luckily due to the angst i received due to the bad start, i managed to relate to the poem during my Literature exam just now. Managed to write 9 full pages and my hand still turned out ok. wonder why this didn't happened on geography where i ended up sleeping every 30 minutes waking up to write at 15 minute intervals. bahh this is crazy. at least common test over. tomorrow i going to hang out with Leslie and Leroy and the gang and then start back with the common drudgery of JC life. Till then.. bye.

Too lazy to rate my day%.

~hadi~

2005-06-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Right. This is some quiz i took. Ripped it off Am's livejournal. It's cool really. I tried a few more but i figured its too long and large to be posted up here on my blog. Bleh.

2005-06-27T22:01:00.000+08:00

Common Test day in JC day.

Omg! Before i begin, let me tell you how the original Batman in which Adam West stars in, is really cocky. No doubt their acting is marvellous and all but i can't believe the first ever batman is Fat and has a stupid fucked up mask. It's really funny. I love how the joker acts as a villian. it's really cool. I rate it 4/5 stars. haha. serious sak!! I mean the storyline rocks despite the fact the costumes are fucked up. Its really not appealing to see batman's penis bulging out of his costume and pretend nothing happened. haha. and the batmobile?! Wahahahahahahahaha!! Omg i can't help it. it rocks. thanks dad for ur influence to be lame and nonsensical. i love you.

The riddler cracked sum lame fucked up riddles though:

1) What is someting yellow and used to write? A banana Ballpen
2) What do u get when u turn a turkey upside down? Gobbled Up
3) Which people likes to rush to and fro? Russians. (FUCK SIA THIS ONE!!)

Some memorable qoutes from the movie:

Robin: Holy Long John Silvers Batman!
Riddler: Let us capture Bruce Wayne and make Batman come and save him! Then we destroy Batman once and for all!
Batman: Oh dammit. My super power frequency gadget ran out of batteries!

Wahaha. ok i HAVE to get the dvd.

*End of Part One*

Ok next part. oh my god. I really can't believe half a year has passed and im still not over the fact that i'm in the next chapter of my life. I mean, 7 months ago, i sat for a major exam that was the 'O' level examinations and people said that "Ohh.. its the turning point of your life!". Now here i am in JC sitting for my first ever common test. No doubt im going to fuck my Geography bad. I mean.. 8 essays in 3 hours? Nononono. Initially i started out enthusiastic writing out crap and stuff. Then i realise this is nothing like secondary school anymore. My fingers ended up aching and sore. My my. I managed to sleep for 30 minutes and wake up with more time to spare. The teacher even thought i was sick or something. Well. What the hey. AO malay paper was ok. Just gotta see how i fare now. I wish that somehow time will prove precious in this road im taking. The older u are, the closer u are to death and i believe life's more than reflecting. It's about how u make the best of this life God gave u. Hope i don fuck mine anymore.

Ok now, i wish i got a girlfren. Its not more of a need or a want. I just wish i can get that feeling of what its like to be devoted to someone. To be in a relationship again. Im tired of being cheated on, waiting for nothing at all. I'd like to have a girl who can just love me for who i am and love my friends at the same time. I know my loyalty and i know my boundaries so maybe trust is one factor. Ok im sounding more of a desperado. Neeh, im just saying that sometimes, when u see your friends or couples out dating, you feel lonely and lost. Its nice to hear no one likes me. Maybe cause im either too lame or not good looking. Haha. Either way. im sad. lol.

Now i begin to wonder what i was like in the past. I mean, looks differ, but still i don't see a difference. just more facial hair to the face. I love writing poems but i lost the inspiration now. what the fuck? I don't know. Im more vulgar. My bank account is running on empty. Im still gigless. Ok that's not much of a concern. Yeah. And i cleared all my knives and blades for your information. This means i won't be slashing or cutting myself for the next few months or so, depending on wat shit is going to occur in my life. Other than that, im less suicidal. Thank you.

Omg i can't get batman out of my head sia. the show is uber awesome ok. aww man. melts. ok tomorrow is AO maths and Economics. AO maths insyallah can do well. Economics still uncertain abit. but who cares. haha. bye.

"If you fall down, i'll pick you up. And then i'll laugh at you." Nadiah.

Hahaha!!

Overall rating of day: 75%

~ciaoz

2005-06-21T17:19:00.000+08:00

wat a fucking boring day.

Just moments ago, i was walking past my grandmother's room. I saw her sitting there bedridden. She's so silent. Helpless. Thing's were soo much different before her accident. She would go to Geylang and shop and cook and just move around and keep herself fit. I'm beginning to worry for my grandmother's condition. It really pains me to see her this way. This morning, i woke up listening to my grandmother pleading with my mom to be taken to the doctor. She said that she's having difficulty breathing. My mom gave her some medication prescribed by the doc and gave her some massage and she's resting now. Sigh. I really wish she's going to get all better soon.

Yeah and what else is there to say? 3am last nite, just as i was about to go to sleep. I don't know what the fuck came over me. Ended up taking the swiss army knife and begin toying with it. I swear the blade was so fucking blunt, couldn't even cut no shit. So i toyed and toyed and toyed and i ended up with a deep gash on my left arm. (yeah its ALWAYS my left arm that becomes the victim of mutilation!) anyways. i hate the sight. too much blood. and this is the longest i've done so far. But i swear! Slashing WAS NOT my intention. I, myself, couldn't understand why the fuck i did that. Azrani doesn't seem to care. She's too bz caring about making her life happy and loved. 26th is in 5 days time and i dont think she'll even bother to spend it with me. But i wasn't feeling down to the extent of slashing. What was the cause? What?

Right. Now i think im going to play some Fifa on xbox and continue with my GP essay tonight. Common test commences in 6 days time. Allah bless my soul.

- Poem revealed.
- No im not standing in the way.
- Is there a chance?

~ciaoz

2005-06-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

Back to school day for you, pal.

Heh. Nearly a year ago, In July 2004 to be precise, u got posted to ITE Bishan and took up nursing as a career after your O'levels. Remember how things suddenly changed when we saw less of each other. I'm really happy for you that u got this far to reaching your dreams. I don't know whether i should be happy for you that you found new love down at where u are right now. I try to talk to you but you won't talk. I try to forget u but u won't leave. So this is true love huh? And i only realise that i'm never urs. True love comes once sunshine. You're all grown up now Nur. Look at me. Struggling. Trying to accept the fact that i lost you. Trying to accept the fact that love betrayed me. Trying to accept the fact that we're not each other anymore. I missed you so fucking much u fool. and for every message that i give u, u reply me with vulgarities and hauntings from the past. Have u had enough?

I guess this is your way of avenging me huh? Guess wat. It's working. For all i know, you were my insipiration to land my ass in a JC and make u proud by being a Uni grad one day. Guess wat, i'm failing and i hope ur happy that soon i'll just be a fucking drop out. Hey! All the best back in school my dear. And yeah.. all the best with ur new found love which u think is gonna be true. Have fun making out and stuff ok? Yeah u can still msg me on how much u really really hate me. I don't mind. I need more of them to help me keep up with my new "Slash and bleed" hobby. Hey! Besides.. Ur skin is like a canvas ready to be painted red. Tanx for showing me that. See u around someday.. maybe i'll catch ya making out.. who knows. bye.

Oh and i cut my hair.

~ciaoz.

2005-06-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

A collection of pictures and scattered memories, all kept safe in an A4 size sketch book. Dated 2003: A year when life was full of joy and hope. With the book in his hand, he reads the contents of what's inside only to realise hope has left and life moves on. Life's never been at ease. A heavy heart with a heavy burden. It's been almost 2 years now and the once cheerful lad that he was, has now became a beast that no person in this world could contain. Suicidal. Depressed. Angered. Lost. Nothing could change the past, to live in the present is hell, and to plan for future is hopeless. this is what he has become. this is what he will remain, for all the days that is to be filled with pain.

For every happy thought that comes around, a black cloud overshadows his thoughts. Succumbed by depression it seems to be. Alone. Cheated. Abused. Another day seems to be just another fake smile and another fake identity hidden from society. All the natural glow he once possessed, now becomes dimmer as he becomes one with the shadows. Hope never returned. Neither did she.

"Do not attempt to save me, for even i could not save myself from the worse. Fate has a funny way of showing the reality of life in your face. Some people make it, some don't. I wish i was strong. I wish i have the will to carry on. Hold my head up strong and tell myself that everything's going to be ok. But it's not. It never was. Right from the start i lived a lie. A fantasy where things actually worked out only to be whipped by the harshness of reality. I'm sorry. Guess this is how i was meant to be."

Sitting alone on the beach where they used to go, he began to ponder what went wrong. All the possibilities and all that could be resolved. Guess its too late for apologies. It's too late to take a second chance. Life's a competition i guess and if you're weak, you're out of the game. You lie broken and helpless as u watch the things u hold dear to your life fade away in the arms of something u tried so very hard to ward off. He lost. and this his my well deserves.

2005-06-13T12:20:00.000+08:00

one day

If you love somebody, set her free
If she comes back to you, she's yours
If she doesn't, heres the poison, kill yourself for her.
- William Shakespear

Dear Azrani,

I wonder when was the last time i ever got to see a glimpse of you again. All these months that turned to years, i missed you so fucking much. I try hurting myself in the process but no physical pain can ever compare to the emotional pain that haunts me. I had a dream last nite. I woke up to a nightmare. and all i ever wish for is to carry on from where we last stopped. is that so hard? Don't you see? Out of all the billions of people in this world, no one can compare to you? Love never was a game. Unless you're telling me that it was just a show (which i doubt so). will u still wipe off the tears that i shed for u? will you still catch me when i fall? I don't know and im not in the right to say that i doubt so. Things change. People change. Yet i pledge to stay the same. My love for ya remains. take care. i wanna go find some peace with the darkness. the nitemare still haunts me. i hope u received the card i sent u in the mail. hope u love it. bye.

~ciaoz.

2005-06-12T00:05:00.000+08:00

Horny are the days that ends with a Y.

thank you nadiah for the LATE birthday card despite the fact we've been living under the same roof for the past lifetime. haha. bet u got the idea when i did that for Sabrina's birthday huh? and to think it was enough to just drop me a happy birthday testimonial on friendster. i'm contented though. thank you so much. we are family. Hoo hah!

i'm tired. yes tired. tuition beginning to get lonely. Since im a JC kid, i have to study alone in a room, isolated from friends and new faces. But its ok. Main disadvantage is i can't discuss. I can't get some basic stuffs rite like APGP. yeah i know the formulaes but i didn't know that during the process of solving the question, u actually need u apply other formulaes as well. my god. i realised there's ALOT of simultaneous questions despite the fact that the question is NOT under that topic. I wonder how poly maths is. i heard that its actually kind of misleading and funny. ok cool.

eh shit. i have to get down. sit glued to my butt and do my revision or i'm gonna end up wasting my time in JC. But for a fact, i hate JC. Yeah i dreamt to go JC but why go when the person i wish to make proud aint showing me shit? Baah, im still thinking whether its wise if i just fuck my promo exams and go poly next year. wat a waste but life's short. its not such and important ting in ur life attaining the highest degree with a high paying job shit. What i worry more is about what my life is gonna be like after i die. sigh. i'm becoming less pious than i actually used to be. what's wrong with me? i miss prayers (but i qadak ar), i often skip ngaji every weekends, and im not even studying! JC ruined me. I ruined myself.

eh i realise there's noting much to write about life anymore. haha. being single is one thing. sometimes it just strikes u in the face u just want to be loved by someone who's not a family member. u know. a girlfriend. then there's the choosy woosy stage and the "how can we get along" stage. damn. relationships. all i know of them is that memories remain and so does its pain. now people think im gay. neigh! i like girls to boys. boys are good frens to hang out with. and just cuz im single and i don hang out with girls much, that don mean im gay. wahahaha. rabakbeans.

finally got new strings for my electric guitar. now i think i need new a new guitar.

ok bye.

Overall rating of day: 55%

~ciaoz.

2005-06-09T20:53:00.000+08:00

Maybe i can see u on, Holiday. World's away.

To anybody who relates to this:

Please tell me that its ok. Please tell me that at a point of time in your life when you're actually stuck in confusion and not knowing which way to go, its actually ok. Those nights when u feel isolated and there's not much you can do to heal the pain that still exists. Those nights where u wish u can run off to your favourite escape, where its all peaceful and quiet and u just look up at the dark moonlit sky and try to count the number of stars that are slowly fading as time ticks by. I miss someone. I miss someone so much that i realise it's as good as impossible to put her aside, even for a second. This blog, where i keep my life events stored, bears witness upon my suffering. I love her so much yet i feel no love coming back to me. I know, it takes time. I'll wait. In this process, fren's will tell me i'm wrong. Fren's will tell me i'm stupid. Only those who pledge loyalty to my frenship will tell me the right thing: To follow your heart. Advises are never meant to be biased. There are more than one way to solve a problem and no one solution is always right. I chose to follow my heart. I left a dream behind me but i might as well start anew from where i last stopped. I hope she knows this because i need her more than anything else in this world.

Friends are vital to one's life. But the can never replace the ones u love. Its sort of like, almost close to complements. U need them. They need you. hold on.. i'll edit this sooner.

Rating of day: 60%

~ciaoz

2005-06-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

Just another day. Really.

I would like to thank in no logical, systematical or explainatory order:

Azrani, Arep, Leroy, Sarah A, Leslie, Kee Siang, Mom, Dad, Nadiah, Sabrina, Nadiah TP, Fana, Anu, Nabila MLEP, Ili, Shahidah, Aishah, Dy, Art, Shearer, Mandy Heng, Jian An, Khai, Bhav, Bum, Wana, Abdul, Andila, Ain, Syu, Adib, Asyraf, Syaf, JIMMY!, Shyanne, Siti AisYah, Kak Aishah, Yahya, Aznin, Sabrina MLEP, Azmil MLEP, Rozaini, Am, Malia, Maria, Nazeerah, Alfian, Akmal!, Abid, Hafidz, Asyraf, Edwin, Ram (sumpah takle harap), Izzah and... (if you wished me happy birthday on the day itself, please write on the tagboard so u can be in this list.)

Rite.

Thanks Azrani for staying up and doing the countdown with me.
Thanks Arep and Jimmy for wishing me well more than 3 times.
Thanks Akmal for giving me ur 2nd hand VON DUTCH teacher that u already wore but never wash.
Thanks Mom and Dad for loving me till the day i turn 17.
Thanks Sabrina for making me the card saying how great i am to be ur brother. I love it. really. :)
Thanks Ram for being such a tak guna fren sampai lupe nak wish aku tapi takpe aku tetap letak nama ko jugak sebab ko kawan baik aku.
Thanks Bum and Wana for buying me THAT burger king tumbler i was eyeing for when we all went for BK that time.
Thank you everybody for making me feel that i actually exist.

---.---

What a day to spend YOUR day by waking up at 7am on a gloomy morning and u realise u have school to attend. Reached school for Econs make up only to realise... i'm still failing. This time i got a high fail. I feel relieved though. Leroy was a good fren. Right after he went in, he's the first person of the day to wish me in person. I owe him my gratitude. It took leslie and kee siang sometime to realise it on their own. haha. The others who were at the econs lecture, cannot depend on to be friends lar. But then.. who cares. 17 year old oso still wanna sulk over some petty issue.

Rite. Next had manifestasi rehearsals. Somehow, during practice i managed to give the best in me and im glad Azmil liked what he saw. However when it came to me on stage and i see the whole Manifestasi crew, i dunno how i could just stump on stage when only a few hours ago i did a good job. Aye.. this is troubling. I should start picturing the audience in their underwear and get myself focused... or sexually arroused if i see any hot sexy model in her underwear... which is not going to happen.. or maybe it will.. we dunno.. we can't tell..

Rite. 2 weeks to go and still stuck with and incomplete original. Let's do this guys. We can do this. I know we can.

I'm tired. my back hurts. Birthday sux as usual but im just happy i got friends around me who care. 1 year ago was my break up with *ehem*. Yeah. Now i gotta live these days only to know i lost it. Well, i deserve someone better. i know i deserve someone better. will that someone please show up now? Please?

Ok now i want to sleep ar.

Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to Hadi.
Happy birthday to me.

It rhymes.

~ciaoz

2005-06-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

05 June 2005. The eve of the day that killed me.

All i needed was a word from you. Maybe all i needed in this life was nothing more but you. I lost you. You never lost me. I'm still trying to suck up my pride and admit that im not the better man. I lost. For the first time in my life, im beginning to realise wat its like to do things on my own. My phone's been silent. Really. I still anticipate the beeping sounds from my phone and be relieved to find that its you who messaged. Its you. it has always been you. Don't u know that i love you? How can i say i love you back with the confusion that clouds my mind? I really wish that i can hold u in my arms again. I want to be loved. A love my family nor friends can give me. A love that u once shared with me. I miss you. maybe things happen for a reason. Sigh. Take care.

----

Rite! before i start. 3 birthdays to note of:

June 2nd: Abdul Nazeer ( a deviantart friend cum brother to me.) Happy 25th Birthday!!
June 3rd: Syuhaidah (my fellow Farashyiran.) Happy 18th Birthday!!
June 4th: Adib (my fellow Farashyiran and a very close friend of mine.) Happy 18th Birthday!!

Did i miss anyone? Well my two sisters are coming up soon on the 10th and 15th respectively. Yeah.

Ok so i went to Adib's birthday chalet on the 4th and boy was it fun. Well i felt left out at first. Great to hear majority of the Farashyiran's turned up. When i arrived, Ismadi and Razak left. and i looked forward to seeing them again after so long! Well, Ella and Nad didn't show up. (funny thing was Ella said she wanted to come with the 'I'm serious!' look on her face.) wahaha. Upon my arrival, i was greeted by Yahya, Faeez, Ain and Syu. Ain and Syu had to leave by the way as i came at a bad time. (10pm.. girls always got curfew mah.) Rite. So at first it was a little awkward ar. Adib brought his friends, others all in their own world. Got some food till i think it was around 11 when we started to mingle around and chat. Met hakim again, old skating buddy! haha. made new friends: Razak, Fahmy, Ridwan and another Hakim. <-- Damn funny people ar sia! haha. Ah yeah ok let's just get down to the best part of the story. At nite, Faeez brought up the idea of going to Changi Village for some tranny hunting! Wahaha. Really ended up seeing some stupid tranvestites trying to pick a ride by the sidewalks but ended up.... NO ONE WANTS THEM!! WAHAHAHA!! I CAN SEE WHY!! the way this stupid transvestite dance to smoke in the water, i think its enough to cause a major road accident. Then we get back, Adib, Ridwan and the young Hakim went to sleep cause they very tired oladi. Then the older Hakim made a game that "Who sleep will get sabotaged". So they did! Haha. Rabak seh kene. Then when Adib woke up, we all tried to act asleep, ended up all laughing cause our acting was way too good and then there were occassional release of farts here and there. haha. And then Faeez cracked this hyper lame joke about fat people going to a boutique and buy a shirt size "W" which stands for "Whale". Wahahahaha!! Honestly the whole room burst out laughing in the dark sia. Cannot tahan. The older Hakim phone also got this funny video of this old woman saying "Fuck you" with her middle finger and the started laughing. Wah. that one oso cannot tahan. hahahaha. then got other things in his handphone that makes him... haha. dunno ar. then yeah. play guitar, on radio, jump here, jump there. There's this super big lump of shit in the toilet bowl that needed two flushes to clear it off. (NeWater drinkers... drink up.) It was really a helluva time ar. The next day we all woke up some like drunkards without a cause. Adib wanted to eat at Changi Village but then we all wanted to eat at Tampines. Somehow Adib left before we could persuade him to join us. So we ate at 7k restaurant near my school there. Then i went for tuition with Saiful. Now here i am blogging. It was by far the positive day yet ar. :)

oh yeah. Adib, Yahya, Faeez and I are gonna audition for the School Of Rock band competition on the 16th of June 2005 at 1:30pm at Singapore Press Holdings Auditorium, Toa Payoh. Wish us luck. :)

Overall rating of day: 85%

im still missing u. Im still in pain after handling the truth. I want nothing more tomorrow. I only want u by my side. I don't want you, i need you. Tomorrow will mark the first year that i lost u. ~~The day we broke up back in 2004.~~

~ciaoz

2005-06-02T20:13:00.000+08:00

U put me in tears. fuck. dah promise by 25 years kan? Come let's do some mathematics. 25-18= 7 years. 7 fucking more years. Y waste ur time on me? u wanna get hitched by a nurse guy rite? y waste ur time on me? WHY?

tanx for the tears. tanx for my future attempts to bleed. liar.

rating of day: should i say more?

~ciaoz

2005-06-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

Still looking for some peaceful and comforting day. When? WHEN??

Humans, you and i, are the most lousiest and weakest beings that ever walked the foot on this earth.

After reading that statement, how many of u think that I'm wrong? How many of you feel that: "What the fuck is Hadi saying? I think he's stupid because Humans are the greatest and most superior beings that ever walked the planet!!". Think again morons.

Let me compare you, with an ant. Nothing much, just a simple tiny creature that u can easily step on and kill and say "hahaha! I am so superior because the ant cannot do no shit against my deadly boot!". BUT! Lemme try feeding u sugar and anything that is sweet in between for the rest of your fucking lives. Every minute, hour, days, weeks, months, years, decades, century, eons, era... Heck you'll be dead even before u reach 60. Tooth Decay, Diabetes, high blood sugar content and all these other nonsense. Hah! In this process, you might even get your leg amputated. And when that happens, that stupid little tiny ant that u stepped on will crawl up your puny little body and say: "I've been eating sugar for the rest of my fucking life. Look at me, i still have my 6 fucking legs. I have no shit diabetes. I have no shit tooth decay. Now look at you, amputated legs. Har har. That don't seem superior to me. Pathetic."

Well, im not hating humans knowing the fact that i AM one. I just agree that we humans are the most weakest and lousiest beings to ever walk to earth. However, we have minds, NOT brains, but minds, that seperates us from sheer idiocy and an extent of superiorcy. Lo! Humans do not possess wings but we can fly higher than any bird that ever lived. We do not have gills but we can still live underwater. Lo! Is it not for our minds that we live a sense of 'superiorcy'? Is it not our minds that make us who we are today? And for once, let's gather and re-think our lives. What made us this way? Why are we made this way? Faith my brethrens. For all of our strengths are in the hands of God. Allah. Be grateful for wat you are. Be grateful for wat you have. Because we live once and only once will we be able to live a lifetime. Whatever, im just feeling angry and pissed with some stuffs that makes me write this entry with full of angst and some crude mild tone. But i'll find my way to accept this. I'll find a way to be grateful. Because i am weak and i am pathetic. With my mind i shall find my way.

Rating of day: 15%

~ciaoz

2005-05-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

I forgot what day it has been already so what the heck, life goes on. I'm gonna get her back.

Oh yeah, George Lucas called me and asked me to give him some ideas for any Star Wars future sagas. So i told him that Singapore have something against the Sikh and their turbans and they make jokes about it. So i thought: "Hey lucas, Y not make a story about how the Sikhs avenge those who make fun of them?" And he said: "Woah that's a fucking good idea!" So he told me he's going to make a saga known as "Race Wars" with the episode coming up as: "Race Wars: Revenge of The Sikh."

He says he's going to work on it once LucasFilm animations finally set up in Singapore. The tempations of the dark side in the movie is much more intense and Jedi's are potrayed as racists. For once, the villian wins.

----- end of part 1 (lameness aside).

Ok well let's see. i missed alot haven't I? In summary, here are the events that occured lately:

- I'm back in tuition with Tayeb. After 5 long years.
- I failed my GP compre test and i'm the lowest in class i guess with a fucking 11/38.
- I'm still a bodoh.
- Manifestasi audition is quite fun. I love the new way of learning malay and stuff.
- My bank account is steadily improving. Alhamdullilah.

Holidays my people. Holidays are here. (unless for those who are in poly, im really sorry i brought this up.) Well, this ain't seem much of a holiday really. I got to rush myself to study for my Common Test or i'll end up risking my existance in TPJC. Well, that sux i know, wat to do? Life goes on and i'm stupid. Yeah. Ok what else. Oh yes, on the day i turn 17, i have to wake up damn fucking early in the morning for econs class. YES!! U heard that. 8:20am-9:40am i think. man. i can't even enjoy a good night's sleep and all. And after that, i got manifestasi practice until 6. The ironny. The grief. The.. happy birthday to me lar.

Ok im tired. Out of 4 questions given to me in tuition just now, (i'm the only JC dude though. Others are Secondary 4 kids.) I managed to only answer 1/4 questions all by myself. How bodoh. Rite. I'm a failure. Bye.

Had fun jamming. Had fun meeting up with Akmal & Abid. Had fun playing pool with Raf and Win. But forgot to take back Cd. Bodoh sia me.

Overall rating of Day: 55%

~ciaoz

2005-05-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

Day 7-10: 10 days and it feels like a decade. I hope you're happy. I wish i'm dead.

I sat there for 10 minutes or more, thinking: "hey, you're actually still here lingering in my mind. Wow. I'm actually thinking of you." At that moment, my mind begins to question: "Should i call her? What if she wouldn't answer? What if her reaction would be repulsive when i tell her i miss her?" And all of a sudden, u just stare into blank air and start to feel like breaking down and cry. Is she waiting for me to make a move? Is she anticipating? We don't know. I don't know. She'll never accept the fact that i love her so much, that im actually lost without her. This is it, the magical moments of life. Blissful ain't it.

Ok in a brief summary, let's talk. Me and leslie have been dubbed "the entertainers of sea sports carnival day." For all that i know, that was the most embarrasing day of my life. However, to those who know me, i know no embarrasment. So yeah. Kayaking was fun despite some crashes and backstrokes here and there. Blissful ain't it.

Next. School results. First Econs Essay Test: [ 5/25 ] AO maths first class test: [ 9/20] GP first Essay Test: [ 22.5/50 ] Right. So tell me how well im doing in JC. Blissful ain't it.

Right. there's more to talk about but i just couldn't remember. Oh yeah. Today i just done registering for the School Of Rock competition and me, Adib, Yahya and Faeez are going in together as a group name "N-Farashyiran" (The group that we all go by). Funny thing is, we just can't find a title for our original (which yahya first named it as import_export) and ended up writing it as "the fourth concerto". Which i dunno wat it means. Now all we need to do is jam it out as a band and add lyrics to it. haha. Blissful ain't it.

So here's my plan in life. I want to complete my A'levels and get a degree in Business and marketing. Then after completing my degree, i want to go to a polytechnic and go in the mass communication course after which i will want to pursue another degree in university. I don't care about my life anymore. Who wants to marry me anyways? The one girl i thought who wants to marry me left and took my dreams away. I was just taken advantage of now am i not? What excuse did i get in return? Oh i flirt with one to many girls and make out with every girl i meet. What a fucking shit excuse. I love you so much and u do this to me. Blissful ain't it.

Star Wars. I NEED to go catch u soon. Why must Singapore be so kiasu and watch for the sake of watching. Chee bye. Blissful ain't it.

Ok now i have to do my homework. It's fucking blissful. really.

Overall rating of the 4 days: 250/400

~ciaoz

2005-05-15T12:52:00.000+08:00

Days 5-6: In the silence of the nite, can u hear me scream? Nope you can't.

Overall rating for day 5: 35% (most of my joy goes to Danish, other than that, my day sucked. really.)

Ok time for Day 6.

Actually, Day 6 is just beginning. Major events of today will be Anisah's Birthday party which majority of 05A03 is going to attend and in-house revision after that. Ok as at of now, i can't organise the things inside my head so i'm sorry if this entry is not that organised and stuff ok?

Ok just now during religious lesson, my uztaz said someting about "Susah skarang biar senang nanti" which is work hard now so that u can live easy later. Ok suddenly this thought came in mind: "How long is later?" I mean, for all i know, u might be working ur ass your whole life and not even achieve absolute happiness and ease of life. So i ask myself: "Work hard. JC? Go to uni. Work harder. Go to work. Still must work." If like this, how will i ever achieve any sense of happiness? i wanted happiness with that girl i loved. i needed her. now she left, all that i have left are some sense of doubts and lack of confidence. yeah. well. i hope she's doing well in her nursing course and the guy she's with now. I hope that he can give her all the happiness and love she always wanted. one that i never got a chance to show her wat i mean. i miss her.

orite. let's see. danish! haha. i miss that bugger. he's 1 now. cute. ok stop hadi stop. see lar, i forgot what i wanted to say. Oh yeah, remember when i wrote i went to audition for manifestasi? I got tru. I dunno whether its a good thing or bad thing. But i got a msg from the exco this morning that i made it tru the audition and i'm going to be part of the play. BUT! i have school of rock competition with Adib, Yahya and Faeez. I prefer going to the competition cause im that close to achieving my dreams. I hope manifestasi understands. i DO want to go to manifestasi and be part of a prestigious play. Bah. im confused.

Ok. i want to shit.

Overall rating of day 6: To Be Advised (TBA)

a lil extra story on day 5:

Here is Danish learning
how to use the Force.

I lured him into the dark side and
he felt the force even before i told
him he was gifted.

Here is Danish actually

USING the force. He tried

to do a "Force Storm" on me

but ended with a "Force Push"

instead.

Now, he walks by the name of
Darth Nish.

2005-05-13T23:36:00.000+08:00

Day 4: No one needs me, so i'll be a sith then.

Written on it, it wrote: "You make the world more special just by being in it."
At the back of it, it was signed: HadiAzra

I want to play in the School of Rock competition. Will i sieze it or will i let it slip me once again? sigh

Overall rating of day: 20%

~ciaoz.

2005-05-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

Day 3: Just another day without you.

Abang Hadi's movie review presents: House Of Wax

Not that bad for another gruesome and horror story. Predictable murder sequence with the same plots and characters just like any other horror story. You can actually know who is going to be the survivor(s) after the first 'victim' falls prey to death. But despite all these, the story is able to provide viewers with enough blood to turn your stomach upside down and still make time for dinner. Make time for House Of Wax if you're up for some cheap thrills and gore.

Quote from story: "Fuck You"

Overall rating: 3/5

----- end of part one.

Ok well, went out with Ram and Art today. Actually Ram wanted to go out together and Art wanted to go blanja us both cause she felt rich i guess. I suggested watching "Kingdom Of Heaven" but then Ram say it's a boring show which was "all talk, less action" type of show. So ended up with "House of Wax" instead. Got the 4:15pm show. Yeah watch it, we hung out window shopping and then went home together.

Rite that's not important. Here's a few things i would like to highlight upon. 2 things: Frenship and Education.

Frenship: Well, out of my primary school and secondary school buddies i often hang out with, it occurs to me that I'm the ONLY guy to make it into a JC while others take the path of the Polytechnic and others, the path of the others. Yeah. And sad thing is, its like im doing this all alone. Ram talked about hanging out together in the same campus and going to school together as a group. And i started to ponder: "I never go to school in a large group together. Heck i go to the Friday Prayers ALONE. I wish im with my friends having fun together." And lately, im missing out on shopping, hanging out or just crapping under the sun like how we used to. And i actually miss that. Is this my burden for going to a JC? Or are they just putting me aside because i choose a JC and not a Polytechnic like them?

Education: No comments here. I skipped PC Tutorials just to meet up with old friends to watch a movie. Thank you so much to Leslie and Leroy for helping me cover up as i made my way to a little spark of happiness and solace. Well, i hope i do well for education or i'll just end up the loser that i am.

(nothing to say here. I'm hearing less from you each day and i can't always be the one who gotta initiate a conversation. that's a one-way process now ain't it? Think love, think.)

Overall rating of day: 68%

~ciaoz.

2005-05-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

Day 2: This really don't look like moving on.

First and Foremost, before i start, i would like to dedicate this column to someone damn special and close to me. Ok now u guys take a look at the moving pictures on the top right hand corner of this window, see the baby there? Yeah. His name is Mohd Danish and today, HE TURNS 1!! haha. This cute little bugger makes me feel young and happy everytime i get the chance to play with him. If i get the chance, i want to be his closest uncle he has and.. i dunno! I just love him alot. Happy 1st birthday lil bugger. I'm going to watch u grow up. :)

Rite. Now out with the happy moments and back to my daily dosage of reality. So let's see. Here's what i had in mind. Since i rarely eat due to my sudden loss of appetite as a result of depression, i've decided to save 2 weeks of recess money so that i can save at least $40 and buy me a new bag since my current one is tearing apart. (can't blame me, the bag IS 2nd hand. I'm not rich u know). Yeah so starve 2 weeks and maybe lose a few more weight. yeah. hrmmz, let's see. I'm beginning to adapt well to Econs, AO maths is getting fun. Now my main concern is LITERATURE! Oh my god i'm too damn lazy to do my readings and that could cost me my grades. Oh well, i know im not gonna make it anyways.

Ok so today, after a long break, i finally attended band. I got a part to play for JC1 FIRST performance as a band. We're playing a piece called "Pirates of the Carrabean" (yes, the show starring Johnny Depp) and im on the Timpani. This is my first ever time playing it and im actually, thrilled cuz i get to play someting i never played before. So i got enthu reading the scores and learning to play. BUT! keong wee got make us strengthen our basics. And it hurts the arms. I know it's beneficial but at times, this thing really stresses me out. ARGH! Schoolwork is a whole lot of shit now this. Man. babi.

Oh yeah. Tanx Art for the KFC meal. haha. later one day i go repay ur kindness. We go with Ramz skali ar eh. Yeah! haha.

That's all. now i gotta do my LITERATURE homework and it's pissing me off.

(hey. i hope you're doing ok. i might not exist in you anymore but a spark of u will always remain with me. I really hope that ur taking good care of yourself because i really want u to be happy with ur life. Please don't let me be the reason ur wish you're dead. I miss you so very much but i realise that u won't feel for me the way i do. I'm your restriction. I want you back. i want to hold u here with me. dear sweet memory. bring her back to me.)

Overall rating of day: 53%

2005-05-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

Day 1: Another day finding my way alone.

Ok. Stayed up last night up till 2am just to finish my Project Work: Preliminary Ideas (PI) and *tada!* i'm done. finally. Handed it just now at school and my PI is chosen by my group to be worked on. Hooray? I guess. Well let's see. Spent most of my days at school today actually. Due to my lack of sleep, i slept in literature class while waiting for Mr Raynolds to come. However, when i woke up, i saw him looking at me with this "Am i invisible?" expression. I realised i was sleeping for the past 10 minutes since he first stepped into class. MY GOD DID I SLEEP LIKE A BABI! (the day was raining, can't blame me.) but hey, i hope he has no grudges against me.

Oh yeah, i went for audition for the "TPJC Manifestasi" event coming next July. Actually Ariff ask me to tag. He went for Dikir and he ask me to join in DK but i rather go for drama. (I thought: "Hey! this is my chance to make a fool of myself out of thousands who watch me.) So i auditioned. Tried out the roles as 1: An apek 2: This 'gagap' bodoh sombong guy 3: The hero of the story. Razak i think was his name. Yeah. Then they told me about commitment, dicipline, going home late at night and all that stuff. If this is a sign i'm going to make it tru, i hope i don't make it because i wanna study in my June holidays. Yeah. Basically, that's all for my stupid day ar.

Gotta do homework now, either that, finish up on my song i intend to write for azrani (which she'll never get to listen because she don't want to. Besides, i don't exist in her life anymore. This is how sad life has to go on). Well, yeah. bye.

Overall rating of day: 60%

~ciaoz

2005-05-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

Dear blog;

Why must there be heartaches in life that u can't comprehend? As at of now, Azrani and i have finally came to a truce that its over. As in, if i ever write about her, it will be about someone who doesn't exist anymore (its her demand). Why did this happen? She blamed it on Farashyir and me being friends with girls. Haiz. The worse assumption she gave me was that i made out with every girl in the group. I never, NEVER, even went intimate with anyone of them. They are my friends? is it wrong to make friends with girls? i guess this blog and friendster brought my life down to the deepest pits of misery. i'm really going to miss her.

Well azrani (since u dowan me to call u nur anymore), this is it. You're going to walk your path with the guy u left me for while i still stay here wishing for a miracle. I really wish u would be less angry and sensitive because u were always the one i dreamnt of, the one i always wish i can be close to, the one i always wish i can put a smile on the face. This time, u left. Maybe its me that u blame for making friends with the opposite sex. Can i ask u someting, do u not make friends with guys yourself? You have guy frens who have STD's even. i never said a word. U even dumped me to go off with that shithead of urs. I still tried to fight back to get u back in my arms. I guess this time i failed huh? I finally realised the true meaning of failure and loser now. If i can get one wish now, i wish i can turn back time back to February 26th 2003 and be the idiot i am now, and maybe i can learn how to treasure u for that person that u already are. It's really painful that u said i cried crocodile tears when i tried my best to hold back my tears while talking to you. If this is how our paths should diverge, then i really wish u all the best. I gotta strive hard to do well in this fucking JC now, the very JC that i told u i would work hard for and provide u a better future. Now i dunno what the hell im doing.

The Jerk Whom u never loved:
Hadi

~ciaoz.

2005-05-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

betrayed + ignored = chee bye

fuck u. a big fuck u with a capital F. True love? yah being around the arms of a guy that u dumped ur true love for is really true love. Hey everyone don't u fucking agree? I hid myself from the fact so my perception of u wouldn't change. but then look ar. All ur fucking siblings are siding him pe. OH NOW HE CAME TO DOWNTOWN TO VISIT U AT WORK!! isn't that someting like "Win a date with tad hamilton" to u? Ur fucking favourite movie that we watched. Argh i hate u alot. I really feel like mutilating myself again. eh seriously ar, ur shithead is a rockstar kan, i don give a shit lar. u can join him with his stupid rockstar thing playing sellouts like mcr. that's really boring. eh watever lar. rite now, i think im gonna cut myself and write a note with my blood. because ur a new meaing to the term: "fuck"

penipu. sumpah ko penipu.

~ciaoz.

2005-05-08T00:58:00.000+08:00

To Nur Azrani Binte Azhar,

this might seem the last ever entry where i write about you. u'll never read this entry and i'll never read wat shit ur gonna write about how i ruined ur life as u did mine. It seems to me the line has been drawn. I saw u again and this time, its the same scenario as how we met during the 'punk rock returns' gig. I asked u out this morning, u said u had work with ur mom. Then wat the hell were u doing at the gig with that same ol' fucking shithead who u left me for? I don't need to hear ur lame reasons about how i tangled the both of us in the past. all i want to know is whether there's space/room to work on the future. Guess i'm wrong to think that way huh? You handle your break up with the help of another guy. I lived my break up life alone. I lost weight, i'm not getting sleep, i get recurring nightmares that haunts me still, and yet you're so far away.

as much as i want to hate you, i can't. u meant something to me, and so much more that words cannot describe. u hurt me bad u dope. can't u see i want this shit to stop. i'm really fucking sorry about my actions of the past. but i guess the wound's heal slower than ever. eh i got no mood to continue. i'll give u part 2 cuz u hurt me bad.

~ciaoz.

2005-05-05T20:05:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to Uztaz Dr Ahmad Dahri's recorded sermon on "the signs of the armageddon". My mom bought it for $2 after the syarahan last Mayday which was the mark of Maulidur Nabi. Why do i feel lost and confused and lonely? Hrmmz, hey this sermon is great. I should get more in order to improve myself and strengthen my faith towards Allah. Faith is all i got left after my day can't get any better ever since 'my day of regret'.

"Alhamdullilah hirabbil alamin" which means 'Segala puji atas Allah, Tuhan semesta alam.' [All our praises go to Allah, God of all realms.] can u picture the whole of this universe, under the hands of only two words: "rabbi" otherwise known as God which in this term is Allah. The whole universe, one which Mankind himself have not come to discover and study, kept under close care in just two simple words. Is it not magnificent? Is He not great? Aye.

Still lost?

Take a look at a simple memory chip. 1GB? 4GB? Why not even a 6GB? Compare this with a human brain in which the memory chip is a thousand times smaller but yet, someting as small as that can store MORE than wat a human brain has. So tell me, two words: Rabbi, just two simple words can handle the UNIVERSE. Isn't it not like how the MICROCHIP handles GAZZILIONS OF INFORMATION IN A SPACE AS SMALL AS THAT? think. think of the greatness of Allah and his wonders. Be afraid because Kiamat is nearing.

~ciaoz

2005-05-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

Morning:
Go play soccer with Akmal, Omar, Shahid, Abid, Hafidz and Aiman. Then go eat long john until 2. Went home to find some rest.

Afternoon:
Got home oladi. Do project work to get the fucking pi completed. end up anyhow do despite the fact that i love the idea alot. then out i go to the farashyiran outing (which i was late.)

At the farashyiran outing:
Eat ain's kueh that she brought to eat. Then adib play guitar. But then last string broke. This means i gotta change string. Then we played prank on passers-by. Then we decided to form a band calling ourselves "crap" because all my self-composed songs have a crap at the end of the title. and our album shall be called "same damn chords" because i plan to use the same damn chords in all my songs.

K bye. Oh yeah. happy bdae akmal. Ko dah 17 biar kong kan badan k!

~ciaoz.

2005-05-01T19:06:00.000+08:00

Do u remember back in 2003, when the pro-IDEAS day was first launched in Loyang Sec, when we were still together as a couple, we did things that we never did before. Remember how u henna-ed your arm with our name in a foreign language just like how Beckham did Victoria's name on his arm? And when everyone asked u: "Hey az! What's that on ur arm? What does it say?" and u'd reply: (looking at Hadi with a smile) "It spells, HadiAzra." And u remember how i spent my school pocket money, my last $4 getting that stupid gel in a stick thing that looks so dumb but it meant someting special to us when i asked them to put the words "hadiazra" with those alphabet soup letters and i keep it close to me at home till it eventually melts. These are those little things in my life that i never did before and i treasure these moments with all of the remains of my memory of u. I really wish i can see u again and then just see how much you've grown. You're no more responsible for the catching of my tears so i guess this time i drown in my tears all by myself. I really hope that ur doing ok because moving on never seemed this hard before.

'moving on has never been the same. moving on has never been this hard. moving on seems to be the last thing on my mind that i think i can ever achieve. i won't forget you. remember me.'

damn i lost a wristband.

~ciaoz.

2005-05-01T14:03:00.000+08:00

This town is devoid of passion. Empty, as i live hear alone. Everyone who resides here left to find a life to call their own, here i am still trying to discover what is like to be abandoned and undiscovered. Because no one would find me, because no one would care. No one.

Saturday events.

Characters: Me, Mohsin, Saiful and Syafiq.
Setting: City Hall, Aljunied, Kallang, Tampines
Special Guest Appearance: Jesus Christ

Our aim was to Jam, so we met at city hall and i was late(this doesn't happen much.. im always on time). Then we planned to jam at city hall but the jam center there all black metallist. I mean, so embarrasing rite go there play non-metal in a metal studio! wah lao. So end up we buy 90 cent drinks at city hall.

So next we went to Aljuneid to check out if got place to jam. But then syafiq say one place is only meant for Dangdut only but still we checked it out. In there got this sign that says "No underground/hardcore music to be played in this studio". So we all felt like cibai ar. Then we saw this christian rock band in the studio. Then i suggested we play a christian song to get us on. So we made a hardcore christian rock song entitled: Jesus christ. The lyrics are "Jesus Christ" all the way. But sadly, we went to the bus stop to buy 40 cent Dahfa fish snack instead.

So now we all pissed already got nowhere to go, so we head to Kallang. Thank god the shop there open for us to jam. So we jam for 1 1/2 hour and i played drums most of the time for "radio, swing swing, stay together for the kids" whereas Mohsin played the drums for "cute without the e, time is running out" while i be on the guitar/vocals. Oh yeah, we forgot to play "i'm not ok (i promise)" ARGH! haha. But syafiq record the video and audio all nice sia. After than, we bot $1.50 big gulp at 7 eleven and $1 fat epok epok at Old Chang Kee.

Yeah then i went to meet Anas, shearer and Ella at tamp to go to Tanglin mall for some Econs entrepreniurship thing lar. I dunno wat. So i met adib, i met anwar, i met ali, i met alot of ppl. Still i just didn't feel myself and made alot of ppl sorta like.. worried and disturbed till i ended up runing their day. So thus i conclude im a jerko wackho.

Ok jap lagi, i wanna go gym meet ramli and faeez. Then after that today got Maulud Nabi. Yeah. Tmr Farashyiran outing. Yeah. Coolbeans. ok bye.

~ciaoz.

2005-04-30T00:34:00.000+08:00

Listening to: The album 'North' by Something Corporate.

Ok well, i just browsed through my files and watched all the N'Farashyiran movies, pictures and clips we shared. And man do i miss them so damn much. Good thing we're gonna go on another outing this Mayday. The last outing together was the time we guys slacked at esplanade and had a hullaballo-istic time! *there is no such adjective as "hullaballo", its just a dvd title for 'the muse'." yeah. so for another breif summary and introduction to those who are blur-ed on wat this "N'Farashyir" thing is about, let me indulge you with some divinity.

N'Farashyir: 10 members, just like how the word is made out of 10 alphabets. Thus, these 10 words are the first alphabet of all the member's names. Nadia, Faeez, Adib, Rasyidah(ella), Ain, Syuhaidah, Hadi(me), Yahya, Ismadi and Razak. <-- (gettit?) Yeah, well all i gotta say are these people are the best shits in my life. I mean, we've been tru a helluva time together and im happy to call them my family if they allow me to. They have helped me provided me with the support i need to continue smiling in this stupid world we live in. Best nyer! wat's more, im the 'Member Welfare Exco' in this organisation. Cool eh? heh. Ok well, apart from that.. i just wish i can just, clear my mind, and move on. I realised that staying here won't solve anything. It just, makes me feel more and more lonely and miserable and i don't like that. I don't want to be lonely and miserable. Yes i did had a troubled past but then again, y must i stay here and sulk and whine over a girl who doesn't even give a shit about me, puts the picture of some guy she left me for up on her friendster and i dunno wat she has in mind. Yeah true i miss her alot, i miss her to the extent of suicide. But will she even feel that way about me? I got into this JC because of her. I'm struggling like a cow giving birth to an elephant and she has no time. What ever what ever what ever what ever. *i'm not listening* This place will never be the same You cheated on me and won the game Now you leave me stranded here I think its time for me to disappear Eh you know wat, the cool thing about living a Hadi's life, is that u get to hurt urself as much as u want, and still live! Suicide? who needs suicide when u have chronic pain and no one would give a fucking shit at all. In a Hadi's life, u get to go to a JC and try to impress teachers with ur fucking assignments but u don't get to adapt fast to the rapid teachings for the preparation of the A' levels. In a Hadi's life, ur friends think you're gay. No one ever thinks you're ever serious except till when u start hurting yourself. Yeah yeah. So if u want to live a Hadi Life, its THAT simple! All u have to do now is shut down your computer, take a knife, gourge out ur eyeballs and play ping pong with them. and there u have it, Chapter 1 on "How to be a Hadi for shitheads."

Written on that picture was: " *arrow pointing towards an ice cream at hand* that is a smiley faced ice cream"
All i can comment on the picture was: "I swore i melted faster than the ice cream did upon my first glance of the person holding it."

Eh is there any way to make this entry private or someting?

~ciaoz

2005-04-28T00:02:00.000+08:00

Firstly, i conclude that i AM a health hazard to people. I mean, let's take shearer's case for example. Shearer cabot drama so can lepak with me and Ili who was at the canteen eating sambil talking cock ar. So we went to TM while waiting for the rest to arrive. So in the meantime, we went to TM's level four open garden. AS USUAL, i acted like a fucking 7 year old climbing em' stupid nets that look like ladders. BUT! during my climb up that stupid net, i didn't notice shearer was a foot away from me so i just swung my left feet to my right because i want to sit on one of them ball gaurded net thingy. (if u want a re-enactment, try Will Smith in Hitch at the motorboat scene when he hit his date during the xfer of rides. Yeah. The only diff is that i hit with my knee!) Yeah and i saw shearer's face as if she got hit by some sledgehammer to the face and it kinda like scares me. It's like: "Oh my god! What did i just do?! Why must i have climbed the fucking net when the day was turning out alright!" Yeah watever hadi. So i ended up getting ice at Long John Silvers to help soothe the pain on Shearer's nose. Omg, dammit, that was my Spoiler of the day 1.

For Spoiler of the day 2, was the fact that i almost got caught by some fat dude security who caught me smoking in my TPJC uniform. Ok now ur wondering: "what the fuck is that guy doing smoking when he has to attend to a person's wound?" ok well, the others arrive to help take care of shearer for me so yeah. I felt like shit because i acted like a jerk as always, screwing people's lives as usual. Oh yeah, so izzat came along as i asked him if he had a ciggy. He said yeah so we went to the garden to smoke. Then this fat dude who i think was a security dude looked at me with suspicion and pointed fingers at me. (Yah i know lar im like.. the center of attraction but don't make me feel so damn insecure can?) So obviously, i know wat his intentions were. To catch me in the act and then send the video to America's Funniest Videos. (actually, it was more of underaged smoking act and then.. get me kicked out of TPJC.) yeah so knowing that someting bad was gonna happen because my spider senses were tinggling, i ran out of the stupid building into the food court and hid in Carona's Chicken Kitchen. (how i get there, im still asking myself..) yeah so i went back to LJS after like 15 minutes of hiding and the others knew i smoked. So, i was the bad guy cuz i did a bad thing hence making me a bad guy. Yeah. So i wanted to leave TM asap but then the securities were combing the whole mall when i was there under their nose the whole time! But hey, i had to leave before they dig me out like some nose shit stuck inside the nostrils. Yeah watever. So i borrowed Diana's specs (which had no degrees) as a disguise and then.. RUN LIKE A CHEETAH OUT OF THE BUILDING AND YES!! THEY TRAILED ME!! but still, im smarter than the average bear.. (ok not bear ar.. ermm.. average.. baboon?)

yeah ok after that we all go lepak at sun plaza park where Ella joined us soon after and than play swing, sliding tyres and this circular rocking animal thingy till it reached abt 7:30+pm, i left for home. I kinda lost my way and shearer and diana helped me find my way home. Aww, thank yous to you twos. :D

So.. that's just about it. Ok this is the part i have to apologize to shearer. SORRY!! i mean, damn, now because of this, u have to stand 1 meter away from me just to be safe. I'm like soo damn scared if u fractured ur nose or someting like that. Luckily there wasn't any bleeding or else i'll be Qurban-ed oladi. Yeah well, i dunno ar. i feel so jerkish oladi due to the fact that I had a knee up ur nose! Omg! And im the first sumore! wah.. well i hope the pain heals soon and the bruse gets better asap. Sorry again tau!!

ok. that was my day. *tada.. drum rolls.. crash cymbal!*

Now, for some late nite poetry and prose by yours truly:

1:21am by the way..

Answer me by Abdul Hadi

Would it hurt if i chose to stay?
Or would u ignore me and run away?
Would u still treat me as a simple friend?
Or would u already forgotten me by then?

Would u get mad if i said that im sorry?
Or would u scream and silence me?
Would u love me if i tell u i'll try?
Or would u hate me and say goodbye?

(written: November 2, 2004 @ 10:31:35 hours.)

U were, I'm not by Abdul Hadi

True love comes only once in your life.
Like death, Like life.
Many people spend ages finding true love.
Once u found it, there's never another.
I found mine when i met you.
You told me that i was your first true love.
I believed you.
You became my true love too.
I gave up everything because you happen once in my entire lifetime.
I didn't know you were leaving.
Now can i ever love again?

[P.s: I don't believe in this already because i guess love is a bunch of bananas ready to fall on an unsuspected baboon. yeah.]

(written: November 18th 2004, 23:36:22hours.)

~ciaoz

2005-04-26T20:54:00.000+08:00

Listening/Playing to: Here without u - 3 doors down.

Hi everybody,

~ciaoz

2005-04-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

I swear that if i sneeze one more time, my nose will drop off like how Micheal Jackson dropped his in Eminem's Video 'Just lose it'. My god! Sick sick sick! After months of being sick free (besides being sick in the mind), im down with flu! are u happy everyone? For all i know i might die tonight. Hrmmz, let's see. Sneezed during AO maths lesson. It can't be Mr Ong. I'm not allergic to him. He's a good teacher. Make me get interest in Maths. haha. So i think must be some dust particles ar i think. So i sneezed from like 11:30am all the way to 3:30pm till i really cannot take it, Miss Wendy Lee put me in the sick bay. MAK OI! The sick bay is like.. so simple yet heavenly. I tried counting how many times the blades on the fan spun before i closed my eyes to sleep. Soon enough Leslie, Leroy and Gua Hong (did i get his spelling rite?) woke me up. Wah shiok man sleep. But till now, my nose still crying. dunno y.

So then later Ella and Shearer told me to wait for them cuz they want to meet up. So ok lor. Then i was like super hungry due to the sickness, i swear i could've turn cannibal and ate both of them. But no, they're my friends and i dowana be convicted as a crazy person. So shearer blanja me food! ok well actually no ar. Paying her back tomorrow. I don't like it ar when i make use of people money. sianz. Then later Anas, Am, Diana, her fren and one more MI guy came down. Then i felt really awkward and lethargic so i just left ar.

At home, feel like.. shit. Really. I wait for the Star Wars Clone Wars Volume 2 but they never premier today. Babi tul. So i finished up my prayers and did my "The Monk" literature work before that Raynolds give me a scolding again. I really like Mr Raynolds but the way he look at me and the way he talks to me.. its really scary. And oh yeah, today i wore the 'specs with no degree' that Mohsin lend me ar. Wah honestly, BECAUSE OF THAT SPECS, I UNDERSTAND ECONOMICS TODAY! HAHAHA! BAIK AR MOHSIN!

ok time to sleep. project work still uncertain. bye.

~ciaoz

2005-04-24T22:12:00.000+08:00

Before you forget,
All the things that i said,
Turn ur hate to regrets,
It was the best time i ever had.

Remember where it used to be you and me under that same night sky, count the stars and wish that time will never pass. And it will always be you and me and no one else and that one day all our dreams will turn into reality. Remember how i used to hold u in my arms and u would make yourself comfortable and i'll never let u go. Whisper in my ears the things i needed to hear. U stayed by me as i close my eyes to sleep.

Even in my sleep i see you there. In my dreams, where we built our future based on hopes. Piece by piece, step by step. Nothing could go wrong. Except the part where i break your heart. And the pieces begins to fall apart.

U put the blame entirely on me. That if not for my actions, this would not be. The guilt and shame that stood by me. U never looked to my apologies. I miss you so much that i couldn't sleep. Often i drown in my tears or sometimes i bleed. Where did i go wrong? Is there no actions in my life that i can really do right. I'm a failure am i? Because i was the reason that i stopped dreaming. I was the reason i gave up on hope.

Love is just shit that the bacteria shits. I mean, it gives u nothing but pain once u mishandle it. Yeah it's a bliss but tell me, for how long? Bleeh, its rubbish really, fucking shit. I loved u. I looked to every single day knowing that i get to hear from you. That was a thing in the past. You never did see the little things i did for u. All u wanted to know was the girls that i befriended with. And that's super wrong. And that's my reason why i let u down. I am your reason why u cheated behind my back. The very fucking reason why im feeling this pain. The very fucking reason for me to be dead. I wish somehow, that i never did hurt u. I wish that somehow u'll be happy of me. Wishes never come true do they? Dreams are better kept as dreams, because the odds are against me and that there is no such thing as "Dreams turning into reality"...

~ciaoz.

2005-04-18T22:57:00.000+08:00

My life as it is By Abdul Hadi

What is the reason behind all these melancholy?
insanity is all I feel, isolated from everyone around me.
What did i do wrong now? What rights have i violated?
When waking up in the morning is so fucking complicated.

betrayal u say, a crime i commit.
what less are u, to give me this shit?
afraid i become, to take one more step.
afraid i become, to ask u for help.

what use is my life, when im all alone.
when the past is a wound, that cuts me down to the bone.
im not that person u thought i would be
the person u loved, that person was me.

i scribble u a note, "to the one i miss"
i wish u a life not as stupid as this
though i know the pain will never leave
ur life will be happy, my life filled with grief.

this i say, if i die tomorrow
my only regret was letting u go
this i whisper, if i die tonight
i wish u were here so i can hold u tight.

~ciaoz.

2005-04-16T12:05:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, i lived in the age of wonders.
Once upon a time, i dreamt of sharing my future with u.
Once upon a time, i gazed upon a distant future.
Once upon a time, its true.

here i am set wondering, if there still is a use for dreaming. i feel like im dreaming alone.

whatever.

i miss my bvps mates. did i become that jackass i was before?
my four unseperable brethren in 4e3, have now been seperated.
is it all because of my selfishness? was it all because i was too.. i dunno.
i want everyting to connect well with each other, a balance.. like an ecosystem.
Bleh, i don tink its gonna work. i bet rite now my frens are pissed at me.
and at the same time, the one girl i tot id do anyting for, is just tinking that im an asshole.
and my frens are gonna say: "Serves u right, to neglect ur frens because of one girl who's uncertain of u. now ur in a mess that we're not interested."
Bleh. i hate this life.

~ciaoz.

2005-04-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

The calm of the hour and solitude of the room contributed to nourish Hadi's disposition to melancholy. He threw himself upon a bed which stood near him, and abandoned himself to the delusions of his fancy. He thought of his union with Inarza; He thought of the obstacles which might oppose his wishes; and a thousand changing visions floated before his fancy, sad 'tis true, but not unpleasing. Sleep insensibly stole over him, and the tranquil solemnity of his mind when awake, for a while continued to influence his slumbers....

-----> adapted from "The monk by Matthew Lewis" *editted the name and some objects*

2005-04-14T23:21:00.000+08:00

i know your my sunshine, but my nights are longer than the days...

2005-04-12T22:09:00.000+08:00

"Being grown up isn't as fun as growing up."

I look in the mirror, i see my reflection. I look at my pictures, i see my past. And i glance at the idiot in the mirror again i tell myself how much i've grown. My eyelids look like wrinkles, my hair, part of which are dropping like flies. Who am i now? Did i really manage through 16+ years of my life to be this way?

Why do i feel a sense of emptyness in my heart? The one that makes ur heart heavy and making u want to tear urself to sleep. The very loneliness that makes u want to scream and shout with no voices heard. I hate this. Watever. I hate this alot.

Halysa is cute sia. The way she grab my pocket when i carried her. Wah she's like so damn light for an infant and the way she look at me, i feel almost like a child again. Haiz. Well Danish, ur my closest thing i have left in bringing me back to my inner child. I miss u alot bro.

"Because of u, im sleeping in the dark tonight. Because of you, im afraid to open my eyes to the world. U blinded me of hope. U took away my heart. Filled it in with doubts and confusion, and this is how i lead my blurry life of pain."

~ciaoz.

2005-04-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

I really feel hurt. Never did i feel hurt as hurtful as this. Thank you Nur Azrani.

www.theslutoftrust.blogspot.com, Thursday March 31st, 2005.

Keep this is a memory hadi. So that through the years that shall pass you, u will read this entry and realise the pain u have to carry. This will be the day u will vow never to move on again. This is the day u gave up on happiness. (In case she deletes the entry, i shall hence paste it here.)

------------ fuck

Thursday, March 31, 2005

betrayed. for real.
hey. its like been awhile since i update things. haha. yah yah. whats with the betrayed thingy. i feel that way. hmm. birthday's nice. as usual. but i never really liked birthdays. just another fucked up day. haha. my birthday. hmm...this week crazy week. haha. hnf's rewarding. but st luke's crazy man. haha. i love it when senior citizens played 'hockey'. showed the inner child in them. many-many nice!!! they made me laugh. i wanna tear sooo bad. i love nursing man. alhamdullah for the path i m into now. just make me appreciate things more. FUCKER invited me to his demo recording with ceramic circle cum n'sync cum candy floss!! y yes, he's in the band. im soooo proud of him. wished he's reading it. i love ceramic circle's original. i missed dec26's gig... n i wana be there for his recording. urm, i've been placing myself in this situation. eversince. lets say, u own a bf/gf whom u loved sooo freaking much. u put ur heart, soul and everything in it. but, ur spouse, suddenly gets angry at u n DECIDES to make u jealous. bf/gf then decides to go online contacting other guys/girls behind your back "thinking that ur dumb enuff not knowing it" then as u compromised things, bf/gf THEN REALISED that things are different. MAYBE yes or no. fuck that. u'll definitely want an explaination for that, BUT ALL bf/gf answered was I DUNNOE. I WAS STUPID BACK THEN. ok, so when u started a relationship, it WAS stupid? u didn't knew? haha. funny really. so as the betrayed one, having known that ur bf/gf went online, not being fillial, meet up other guys/girls behind ur back and WORST STILL, msging a guy/girl but ended up sending it t u. like a mayhem case of my pal ladida. i think shes dumb. really. shes the most fucking dumb slut i've seen EVER... so as the betrayed one, is it ur fault really? lol. im fucking confused... im missing the days at siloso beach. haha. im tanner now. FUCKER's crazy. haha. my partner in crime. seen the beautiful places in sentosa.... aww. he's irritating me with his 'yellowcard immitating' i can't stand it. lol.my hamster...................
posted by the pain in me at Thursday, March 31, 2005 0 comments

*I changed that moron's name to FUCKER by the way*

~ciaoz

2005-04-10T13:11:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone,

I know i've been writing things about azrani lately, and yes, i am still gonna write about azrani. I realised this blog is not about your reading pleasure, its abt writing wat i feel when there's no one to turn to when u feel devoid of passion and solace.

Dear azrani,

I read wat u wrote about me. I finally understood why u kept me silence for so long. Every day, Every night, i wish that somehow u can stumble across this pathetic little blog of mine and maybe you would say "Maybe he has grown up". But no. U chose to neglect the things i feel for u, the things i wish i could do to make u smile. U neglected me. U choose to put ur utmost attention and thoughts to the one guy u left me for. What was that all about? These whole time i was trying to fight and prove to you i am doing all i can for u. But all u ever seem to give me are your doubts of my sincerity.

Fuck this whole "I'm in a band" stuff. So he has a demo recording shit and he invited u along and u go "Ooohh, i hope that Fir is reading my blog because i LOVE his band so much." Fine. I'm in a fucking school concert band and that has no fucking demo or shit. I invite u to simplicity but u kept on saying "I can't, im working." or "I can't, im bz." But when another fucking shithead asks "Hey, im inviting u to go recording my new uber cool demo with me." and u go "OF COURSE I'LL COME!! I LOVE YOUR FUCKING BAND MAN!!" what's your fucking problem woman? Come and try be in my fucking shoes. Go to a JC and study things that u never faced before and when u get home and i try to like call u up, u ignore my "more than 10 missed calls". No im not bragging that im giving u missed calls like a mad person. don't u see? i'm fucking concerned!

I'm fucking tired each time i get home from school, i skipped my homework and i have to log in the the school website just to get myself updated. and when i go online, u make assumptions that im flirting. WTF?! you don't believe in any fucking future between the both of us? Then u better let me know now. I'm not in the freaking shit to be in another stupid triangle where im on the losing end. U want to be with that "wow i'm a fucking hot bassist and i have a demo coming up and i want to make this girl mine because i rock" guy. Go.

Tanx Nur, i just asked u out 15 mins ago because i want to see u again. I want to see u after weeks of being away from u. But nooooo, u chose to write about some fucking dude with a demo on ur birthday. So all the attempts i made to make ur birthday special was nothing huh? U said it in ur blog wat ur bdae was stupid!! SO UR TRYING TO SUBLIMINALY SAY I MADE UR BDAE STUPID WHEN ALL I TRIED TO DO WAS MAKE U FEEL THAT BDAE'S ARE HAPPY! Fine!! Who's that birdbrain u went to fort siloso with anyways? Those pictures u took at frenster, DUH~! OF COURSE LAR THAT SHITFUCK TOOK FOR YOU!

U still can ask me if im angry? Trick question sugar.... Tanx. Now i'm not in the mood to complete my literature homewrk, GP homework and Econs homework. I hope ur happy that i dowana fight towards a future like how u made me do. Tanx eh nur. Tanx.

~ciaoz.

2005-04-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

"if u want to cure a heartache, then i should regret those things, i miss her. If u want the pain to go away, better suck up your pride admit, u lost her. Let her go. Move on. Let her go. [What did i gain now i miss her so?]" Tom DeLonge.

Neigh, she didn't call. I'm still waiting. I want to call, but im afraid of what she's gonna say about me this time. I didn't pretend ok! I was sick! And what was ur problem with calling me a pretender? If i didn't stop u, u wouldn't stop yourself. U tell me i've turned into someone u don't know. What about urself? I don't even know who u've become. Argh. Watever. What's love anyways? I'm barely 17. My bank account is barely even $40 and i want to talk about love. fuck.

~ciaoz

2005-04-06T21:08:00.000+08:00

my tears fall like there's no tomorrow
my heart tells a story of an eternal sorrow
my life drains away like the sands of time
i live my life like a life of crime

my body existing, lost is its soul
my heart that is beating, lost is its goal
my mind set thinking, "are u coming home?"
my hands start to shiver, as i wait by the phone.

"Oh my fair maiden, your prince has arrived."
"I'm not ur maiden, nor will i be ur wife."
"In my honest sincerity, i've come to take u with me"
"Shut the fuck up, just let me be"

and the thought that i'd cry, as the nights pass me by
hoping that somehow, u won't say goodbye
i cherish you, i treasure you, i love you, i do
sometimes i wish, ud think of me that way too

i write you these letters, from the blood that i bleed
i read them to you, in my dreams where we meet
where i tell u stories bout how i miss you so
where i held you tight & i'd never let u go

no. i didn't think u felt wat i felt
i didn't think u heard what i said
i didn't know that soon i'll be dead
there goes my life of regrets

I won't cry under the phone
or bleed when im all alone
i've been doing this on my own
since the day u left, u never loved me, anymore.

Look me in the eyes, and tell me what its like
to live a life of significance, through your very eyes
or maybe, i'll never know and never will,
understand the true meaning of life, or my demise.

~ciaoz

2005-04-06T19:58:00.000+08:00

What is blogging? Is it:
- putting up the entire lyrics of a song and say "I love this song and it reflects me"?
- day to day entries where everyday is almost the same thing as the day before & the day after?
- bitching about how your friend is such a fucktard and hope that everyone knows how u feel?

Yes. Welcome people, to the new era of blogging..

Let's see. Sorry, yet again for my long absence in the blogging scene. Been busy with lectures, tutorials that went unfinished, band in school where i dread to turn up.. what could get worse? Cheap but stale canteen food!! oh my god! i miss my secondary days alot. Those weekly food fights. Those super freaking delicious western food cooked to an acceptable offer. Wow. Well, no wonder alot to TPJCians turn out of school to find their food. The only thing i give a salute to the canteen is the super array of drinks and those yummy chicken paus. haha. there's like this vending machine that serves cup noodle. Yummy.

Ok, something emotional to talk about. JC life. Let's all talk about JC life. Prior in which i shall talk a little about SEC SCH life. Back then, it was all about getting into trouble and being the most lamest kid in school. Ok now to JC life. I brought my lameness to JC and found out that its not welcomed at all. No one wants a lame kid in their JC. They want Jocks. Since u can find JC in JoCks. But i dowana be a jock. I dowana turn myself into a study-holic. I yearn to study the best that i can but not to the extent of being someone i don't even know. It's unfair. Where are my friends? WHO are my friends? haiz.

As always, i dedicate at least one paragraph of my entry to someone who meant something out of this stupid life i live. Dear Azrani. It's me. Hadi. I know you're not reading this, i know you never will. Deep down inside me, i miss you very very much. I wish that somehow i can run away from this nightmare. Sometimes, i feel like, ur not there at all. I know im to blame as always. It's always me for being too busy, for being too ignorant, for being too selfish. But each time i sit alone, in class, in the canteen, anywhere. I keep wishing that u would appear right beside me and tell me that i did my best and you're very proud of me and what i'm out to achieve. haiz. It still haunts me, the dreams i get that u'd leave me and go back with firdaus and shit. Where do i go from here? What do i do now? Will i see you again or is this just yet another dream where things are going to be alright?

Ok, before i end up hurting myself due to the chronic pain in my heart, i'll turn to someting more, controversial. Like maybe the death of the Pope? I mean, as much as i hate the way Christians do things, i really sympathise for the Pope's death. I mean, if only people around the world could have the same mindset as how the Pope thought, maybe there'll never be a George Bush governing the stupid country of ignorance and greed. Well, what more is there to do? Death is inevitable. Immortality is just a lie for the truth is to die. Wherever the Pope goes in the afterlife, i wish him luck, and im damn jealous that he gets this cool sacrophagus in which his body is to be buried. Who knows, a eons down the road, future scientist will uncover his tomb and talk about the pope in the history books. Wow. haha. ok im talking crap.

Let's see, i've read newspaper lately and i found out there's an award for the most humourous blog and most enjoyable reading blog. Oh yeah.. so my blog ain't any of those? Can't i at least for once win a pathetic $100? haha. ok im being to egoistic. sorry. but i read tru the entry that won "humourous blog" award. I mean, she was talking about University life with all those bombastic words and i was like "Whuh? im not laughing and she won $100?" so who's the judge? Alberto Einsteino? Well, who cares. No want wants to read an asian blog. No want wants to read a ".blogspot.com" entry. Yeah. well.. WOW! Long entry after a Long Time. Well, gotta go read up 2 days of Straits Times. Stress eh? Ok till i blog again.

"We used to care. We used to share. We used to cry. Till the day we died. But fate fell short. Survive we did not. and here i am, missing you always.."

~ciaoz

2005-04-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

So this is life?
To make frens and glue them so tight only to leave them after a course of life?
My primary school buddies, akmal, apiz, abid.. i'm really sorry.
As much as i would like to spend hours doing lame acts that land ourselves in nonsensical troubles, i guess this is our turning points huh?

Azrani. This is it. My new road for a new perspective of life. One more time im gonna spend my wretched life, studying for a future that im unsure of. Remember those days where it never was about the future, it was always about the present? yeah. haiz.

I'm feeling alien in this new school im in. although i love the uniform alot, the atmostphere, environment and lifestyle, i really really miss the people who used to constantly make me smile. I mean, the lame attitude i brought from Loyang Sec to TPJC are like.. alien to everyone. Where's Akmal who make stupid sounds in class to get everyone started? Where's hafidz with his gay talk and stupid stories? What about abid and his uncivilised behavior? Things have changed. Time passed me by. I'm racing with time to even notice life took a turn for once.

Back then, the canteen was full of different people. U know, the wannabes, the loud, the rude, the idiots, the these and that. Now at the canteen, everyone's the same. The same face, the same expression, the same activity. I don't even think there'll be weekly food fights like how we used to do it back in the good ol' secondary days. sigh.

well, if this 2 year journey can assure me some sense of looking forward to the future, i'll drag myself tru and frame my uniform after my journey is done. Worse case scenario i'll grow up destined to be a teacher working under a ministry that i loathe. this is it... this is life..

Sorry i didn't manage to continue fishball man adventures. just stay tuned. just bz with this JC lfie thing..

Fishballs part 2

2005-04-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

Bait, particularly worms, have the ability to attract fishes which hence gives the the skill to lure. those who have the greater training in luring ar known as: Master Baiters. Yupz.

~ciaoz.

2005-03-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

"And when there comes a point of struggle and times of desperation.. you know who u can count on......"

The Adventures of FISHBALL MAN!

*Warning: Explicit content published. Not readable-friendly for those who are illiterate or those below 10 years of age.*

Main Characters: [Tan Yu Yuan a.k.a Fishball man] Sim Kao Beh a.k.a Hot Doggie [Salim, Mr Tan's best friend and loyal customer]

Introduction: Tan Yu Yuan has a shop off Kah Ni Nar Road selling Dodo Fishballs for more than half a decade. His business has been doing well until the current recession which struck him hard. What made things worse, Sim Kao Beh, a hot dog seller opened up a shop right beside his shop making business worse due to harsh competition. One day, while having lunch with his chiwawa, his dog went insane and humped his leg causing him to choke on his Dodo Fishball. Tan Yu Yuan swallowed the fishball in an instant to prevent his death from occuring. Little did he know, the fishball that he swallowed was made from the Superhero fish from East Coast Beach. Hence, he has been granted with Fish like powers and hence a new superhero was born! FISHBALL MAN!

**March 28th 2005, 1400hours, Somewhere off Kah Ni Nar Road....**

(Tan Yu Yuan was alone manpowering his Dodo Fishball shop, business low as usual until Salim comes along for a visit.)

Salim: Eh Tan, why the sad look? Cheer up lar. Salim is here to buy your product so your business won't be that bad.

Tan: Aiyah, si beh sian leh. My fishball all also very boring nobody want to eat them. Lucky got you man. So what you want to eat?

Salim: I'll take the Fishball Surprise please.

Tan: (Throws 3 fishballs direct at Salim's unexpected head) SURPRISE!

Salim: Puki lar. Give me eat dirty fishballs. Suprise nenek kau lar!

Tan: Eh sorry sorry! I play play only. Since u my most loyal customer, i give u all these expired fishballs on the house. Eat eat.

Salim: Wah. Alhamdullilah. Thank you Tan. You're the best lar.

(Then, while Salim was eating his food and Tan was cleaning up his restaurant, a loud alarm is heard from Sim Kao Beh's shop, which was located directly beside Tan's shop.)

Sim: (with loudspeaker.) Hurry Hurry! Hot dogs for sale. 1 for $0.50. 3 for $1.50. First time try, sure come back to try again. If not, just try lar. Better than fishballs, confirm!

Salim: Eh Tan, that Kao Beh Kao Bu making fun of you sia! He scaring away your customer! Why u dowan do promotion to keep up with competition?

Tan: My Fishball Surprise is the best promotion ever. Who the fuck want to buy that Kao Beh hot dogs? Sure Kao Beh one.

(A crowd begins to form at Sim Kao Beh's shop and his hot dogs sell like hello kitty plush toys in Singapore.)

Tan: Chee bye.

Salim: Eh don't worry lar. Still got me. (Looks towards the crowd outside Kao Beh's shop) OI! Why buy hot dogs when u have healthy fishballs to eat? Damn nice one. No regrets! Hot dogs only make your backside fatter. Come eat at Tan Yu Yuan's Dodo Fishball shop lar!

(The crowd makes an assessment of what Salim just said. Before they knew it, they gathered at Tan's shop and started purchasing Fishballs like there was no tomorrow. Salim has just stolen Kao Beh's customers from him and that made Kao Beh very angry. Kao Beh gives a super cold stare at Salim, vengeful of his actions. Salim continues to eat his free expired fishballs.)

The next day..

Tan: Hrmmz, i wonder where Salim went today. No news from him. Well, better read the newspaper. (flips the paper.) WHAT?! Salim has been raped!! The only clue found was a hot dog shoved up Salim's ass?! Wah lao! If Salim die oladi, who will eat all my expired fishballs sia!!

Salim's ghost: Eh Tan, its me ar. I'm a ghost now. I think i want to roam around for a little while and scare people. Quite fun being a ghost u know. Anyways, the person who killed me was a guy in a hot dog suit and had a power ranger mask to cover his facial identity. Please avenge my death... By the way, can i have some fishballs? Hungry lar.

Tan: I think i know who did it, it's that Kao Beh next door. He's the arch enemy of Fishball Man. He goes around as "Hot Doggie". Well, here's your fishballs. You cannot wait until Hungry Ghost Festival is it? Why you die now. Chee bye.

Salim's ghost: Sorry lar. How would you feel when u have an unexpected psycho who shoves a hot dog up your ass causing ur intestines to swell up and u suffocate from inside. That sux u know..

Tan: Fuck off lar u stupid ghost. I want my Salim back. Time to shapeshift to FISHBALL MAN!

* To be continued: The writer has run out of boring and lame ideas... *

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Like a desert without rain, that's how my life is without u to make it right. Like an ocean devoid of fishes and stuff, that's hw empty my heart is when you're not here beside me. I love you Nur Azrani. I love u always."

2005-03-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Nur,
This was your birthday present. I put my heart and soul trying to get u something that u'd love on a special day like this. Why did u doubt my sincerity? To mock me of my past, i do not blame you but myself. But y must u doubt my sincerity? I waited for u, hoping that tru each second gone, im a minute closer to seeing you again. I wanted to wear this for you and tell you how beautiful you always were. I am not buying you gifts to BUY you back or WIN you back. I only want to make ur life more optimistic and happy. I didn't mean to make u cry. I only wanted to make u smile. Why? Why must I always be THE ONE who ruins your day, your mood, your life? I am really sorry about my stupid actions of the past but i really don't want to lose u. I want to see a future with you and no one else. I believe in you Nur Azrani Binte Azhar. Haiz. If you don't like my presence and the things i give u from deep down of my shit-nut heart, i guess it's better if i end up dead or in chronic suffering.

Dear Nur,
Look, look what i've done due to the heartaches that i've tried to endured. They spell out ur name. Ok maybe i should have put the "ni" in Azrani. But look, I got Nur Azra, your name. This is the FREAK BOY your friends warned you about. A freak that's not permitted to love you because of his freaky stupidity. A freak that you don't want to see, don't want to side, don't want to love. A freak that will hold on to you for his very survival. A freak who's not entitled to be the best that he can be. Because freaks are not like Prince charming. Every sincere act that the freak tries to do, the freak get doubted because of my past. And i know, its my fault. And it hurts so much nur. It hurts so much when u doubt me of my sincerity. It hurts even more when u say it to my face u are going to throw away the present that i bought for you. Am i really not that good enough for u? Are all that i do for u breed evil and hatred and pain? I love you so very much and i regret all the things that i did in the past. I miss you so damn much that i resort to mutilation. And you won't care because mutilations are freaks daily activities. I'm not like Firdaus where u go all hysteria when he has a heart attack and claims that he's dying. Yeah. Maybe when i feel unconcious, bleeding from my veins because of an emotion i can't control, is stupid and should not be cared or concerned for. I miss you Nur Azrani. Why won't u let me love you?

* I didn't mean to ruin your birthday. I just thought that u'd be happy that someone remembers a special day specially for you and that i only want to be there for u and no one else. Once again, i never do anything right when it comes to making you smile............ :'(

~ciaoz.

2005-03-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

"How can i stand here with you, and not be moved by you.. You're everything"

Happy 19th Birthday, Nur Azrani Binte Azhar.

Here we are, celebrating your 3rd birthday together. I remember back when we celebrated u turning 17, u were so happy that u reached your teenage years. Well suga, now's my turn. I'm turning 17 this year. Haiz. The only thing that differs this year is that we're doing things on our own now. We used to be much happier back then. Well, at least i still have u remembering who i am, i guess there's always a reason to be happy. Remember how we used to talk about the future and how i used to tell u to close ur eyes and make a wish and id be right there with u when ur done. And we'd talk all the way to 4am and show ourselves up like zombies at school. Yupz. Those were the times i would do anything to get back nur. You're all grown up now, you've come this far to living your dreams, and im really happy for you. I'm really happy that ur able to take things with full of confidence and never giving up. I wish u all the best and that u will forever be showered with Allah's blessings.

Let's see. I hope ur gonna like your present. Watever wish u made, i hope that they will come true. I'm going to watch u grow up Nur Azrani. I want to see u go to distance and reach ur highest potential that u can achieve. And if u were to fall back down, i'll be right here to get u back up on ur feet. Always. I just hope u won't forget me in the long run because of all the mess i put u through. Take care, my reason for living. I'll see you around. Once again: Happy 19th birthday to you, and only you! :')

* Like a wide screen tv, you are all i play in mind. Like a large hi-fi system, your voice are all i hear. *

~ciaoz

2005-03-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

For all of u who wants to get a pinch of how true love began and ended and anything in between, how bout enlightening urself with this stories.. Click on the link below.

True loves with tragic endings.

Yey. Azrani's birthday i just in an hour or so. That means i won't blog much till i can manage myself to celebrate her birthday with much ease. Not like the usual dosage of unexpected failure and pain. Sigh. Let's hope i get it right this time. Love her loads. Bye.

~ciaoz.

Dear Azrani

2005-03-25T22:52:00.000+08:00

"I will always miss your laughs, your smile. How would u look me in the eyes and tell me that i was the greatest guy in your life and you would wait for me no matter what because it was the dream that we had that kept us alive. I'm really sorry that i had to be the reason our dreams crumbled and fall...."

Dear Azrani,

I know you will never read this, but i dedicate all that i got left, to you. I never found out what the feeling is to fly, to dream, to feel something i never felt before from anyone in my entire life. You were always the inspiration, my inspiration to aspire, achieve and smile. I'm really sorry I have to let you down. I guess that when i was with you, i felt egoistic and superior of myself that i was too arrogant to notice how special you are to me. For all the pain that i put u through, i wish i can kiss them all away. I guess wishes never come true. The pain will cause u a permanent mark in you. And i know that there's nothing that i do, nothing, will make you want to love me again.

I didn't mature well enough to see right through the love u gave me, nur azrani. I held on to our future that i didn't notice wat was present. I loved the way how u would always tell me that everything's going to be ok. I'm sorry that i was the reason u didn't do well in your O'levels. I'm really sorry that i held u back from being a Poly nurse. I loved to be with u all the time, i never wanna let go. I love to hear u on the fone as you craddle me to sleep with ur voice wishing me good night. As i think back about what we've been through, i guess your frens were right about me being a freak. Id trade anything, even my life, just to see u again one more time. I want to open up my heart to you and let u see what u really mean to me in my heart. There never was another girl. I didn't know y i had to go around making frens with girls. For every girl friend that i made, you were always what i told them about. I always told them i loved this girl for the rest of my life and i will never give u up for anything. Yet, i didn't see the pain that i put u through for every new girl that i made. The jealousy, the betrayal. haiz.

Did u remember, when your O'level results were realeased, and u missed going to poly by 1 point, and i was right there beside u as u cried. And when i offered you my solacation, u pushed me away and chose to talk to your friends. And i thought to myself, "I failed in making you happy." I held u back from your dreams. The whole year when u were supposed to study, i had u for myself. Im a jerk nur, i see every single reason why u can come up to me and tell me u wish u never loved me before. The only regret i have in my life is to not treat u the way u were supposed to be treated: Like a queen. U told me to work hard for my o's, because u will be depending on me for a brighter future. I did nur. I hope u are proud of my results. I'm just sorry that i couldn't enter a bloody JC and go to the University and after that to marry u and settle down. I guess im just not good enough for u, even to provide u a future. All that i have for u, is nothing but pain.

I never lied about loving you. I tried my best to make our relationship like those in the movies. The ones that end with a happy ending. Problem is, our relationship is not a movie where people watch and note down every single thing we've been through. And i am wrong about that. I tell all my frens about what we've been through together hoping that our relationship means something. I guess im wrong. Im so terribly sorry, nur. There's no one id rather love, no one other than you.

If im not who u will love anymore, i wish that u be happy in your life. If i still hurt u and that the pain won't go away, i'll do what i can to make sure that ur going to be ok. I miss you very very much. I miss you each and every day of my life. My life is worth nothing without you and i guess you wouldn't care if i died. If i do die tomorrow, then you will be all that i ever want to watch over. i hope u find it within you to forgive me and take a look at what i've become. I'm really sorry that i let you down. please take care of yourself, my only one. And maybe u'll find happiness in your life, a happiness that i've been trying to give u for so long, and cherish it for all of eternity. I love you. I love you with all that i've got left.

~ciaoz.

2005-03-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

"And there is a disturbance in the Force. U know it when u see that all Hope fails on you. All light fades away. And u are left alone to be one with the shadows."

For the past 3 days, ever since the release of my posting, my sleep are nothing but tosses and turns. The current conflict im having with Azrani is making me feel like hope never existed. My heart has been aching its worse. Well, in the past, when i was taking my O'levels, i used to dream and fight for a future. U know, do well for O's, get in a JC, a good job and all. Lol. Well, the part about doing well for my O's, im kinda satisfied with it. But sadly, i didn't make it tru JC. And the current course that i'm in, i got reprimanded from Azrani saying that the course that im in, has no future at all. Maybe she has a point, but its painful to hear. Well, now all i can do is wait for a call that has been keeping me agitated and uptight for the past few days. A call of approval/rejection from TPJC. sigh.

Well, grandma's home at last. Time to put the wheelchair to good use. Give my grandma some good quality wheelchair riding to boost her morale. Well, i'm going to start work on April 1'st with Ramli. I hope that's not an April Fool's Joke on me. I need some xtra cash. The pay from KFC didn't actually bring me much. Now im only worth $200 in my bank. If i die tomorrow, im only worth $200. Ok let's see, Azrani's birthday is coming on Sunday. And i plan to go get her this Svarovski Pendant. I went window shopping with Ram and the price tag said $169++. Ok. Since this is a once a year occasion, i think i'll get her one despite the fact that she hates me giving her gifts because she thinks im using them to win her heart. Sigh. Reality: I give her gifts because in every gift that i give her, im sharing with her a part of my faded happiness i hope that she's happy with it. Good thing is, she appreciates it and it makes it all worthwhile. (Fuck to her friends who think im a freak. Lol. They're freaks themselves. To think that they know wat its like to feel something i never felt before. Bitches.)

Well, there's nothing more for me. My future is bleak. My present is fucked. My past is a disease. See, im not perfect. Thank you. See you around.

~ciaoz

2005-03-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

"The only dream i have now, is to start a new dream based on the previous dreams i had that came crashing down like the towers on 911."

Let's see. Sorry that it took me quite some time to post another entry. Been busy with Xbox and the change of my layout. (Hope it appeals to all.) Well, here's news for all of u, NO i am not going to JC. Y? Ask MOE. Those bastards. I'm too lazy to talk about this major disappointment in my life. Instead, i'm going to Singapore Polytechnic under the Creative Media Design course. (Yes.. i still don't get wat the course is too.) Went to appeal this morning with Ramli and my dad for Electrical and Electronic Engineering. Still, i feel really really depressed that i can't even manage myself into pursueing a Science Related course. A dream i set during my o'lvls. A dream that i worked hard for, and i met the requirements, but did not qualify through. It's just not fair.

During the o'lvl release, everyone who read my results said "Oh hadi, ur going to JC." and "Oh hadi, sure can go JC lar". Look people, look. The only JC i can see is some stupid JEBUS CHRIST. Bullshit. Sigh. There's goes my dream of making my family proud of my achievements. There goes my dream of being somebody. Neeh, dreams. Reality: I'm just nobody. Sorry mom and dad, guess im not gonna bring honor to the family after all. Sigh.

Azrani wasn't there during my release of posting. Neither was she there when i got my o'level results. Now she's just silencing herself from me. As always. 22nd March, 7:45am. Stayed up the whole nite just to wait for the stupid results. The fact that i didn't make it through is purely devastating. Learned someting though, learned to shut my mouth till someting really happens. My parents told everyone that im gonna go JC. Now look, haha. such shame brought down to my name. LOOK PEOPLE, I'M GOING TO A POLYTECHNIC! I'M NOT A WONDERBOY WHO DOES WONDERS LIKE GO TO A JC AND SCORE FULL A'S. I'M JUST A NORMAL KID OK?

The only moment that rocked my socks today was jamming with Adib, Yahya and Saiful. Really rocked my socks. I played the guitar and vocals till my throat hurts. MXPX, Blink 182, Green Day, Bowling For Soup, Sum 41.. Pop Punk Rock at its best today. haha. And i made it screamo. Vent all my anger out on the mike. Sigh. It was fun. really. After fluking my own audition, my one chance to prove myself worthy of entering TPJC, slipped off my hand like a fish out of water. Well, Polytechnic life. Here i come..

"Where were you when i needed you bad. Where were u when i felt like giving up. Ur absense just makes me want to disbelieve. Makes me want to throw myself unto the problems that veil my happiness. And i hope that you're happy, that i'm not living in ur mind the way you live in mine. And maybe i finally see, what i really mean to you. Tanx for not being there at all. Tanx for lying saying that u care. Bye."

~ciaoz.

2005-03-17T21:13:00.000+08:00

Prior to which i shall begin, i owe each and every one of u who is reading this a big apology for me long absence. No i did not give up blogging. No i did not die out of depression. No i did not drown in the baby pool. I was just busy at the hospital (My grandma made it through the operation and is progressing well with time. Alhamdullilah <-- Thank God in Muslim.) and also on my Xbox. Haha. Well edwin influenced me with greater interest in the current Star Wars: Knights of the old republic 2 Game that i bought recently and its getting on my mind to play it non-stop. Well, the life of a Jedi is worth sacrifice... either that, i'll go for being a Sith Lord.

:p

So let's see. Being at the hospital, i kinda admit i got more and more closer with Azrani. Not closer as in "Siamese Twins" closer. Closer as in, "I get to see her again and catch up with the person who could make all my wrongs right.." My relatives have seen her because i asked her along to visit my grandma. But my mom missed her again! Haha. 3rd time missing the chance to meet and greet with the girl i would like her to see. Well, bummer. I still can't find it in me to give her the 101% trust i gave in her. I mean, no doubt about it i love her more than ever and that being with her makes me feel calm and tranquil, but the fact that she has the decency to just go out with another guy without my notice is just.. painful. I know we both had our troubled past but if im willing to turn over, y is she still doing the same? It's not her fault i guess. We're just the pathetic "Frens" term. Which means she can go out with whoever she likes, whenever she likes without my permission. I know i have the same right but id rather be out with her than with anyone else. Sigh. Sometimes i wonder.. What i do that hurts or makes her happy, means alot to her. But the things she do to hurt me or make me happy, seems meaningless in her life. Sigh. Guess she just won't realise that i love her with all that i've got. I'm missing her bad actually even by the fact that im hurt by her actions. Well, i wanna keep to myself these few days. See if she notices my absence and realise that im in pain. Either that or she doesn't care at all... A jedi, in the event of being stripped off his force.. Exile...

~ciaoz

2005-03-14T02:46:00.000+08:00

"Because you were there to build me up. Taught me how to do things right. And now i am who im born to be. And you're one of the many reasons im happy with life. And for that, i love u and i will never forget what u have done for me"

March 13th 2005. 12:00pm. I was awaken by the screams of my grandma in the toilet. "Help me. Someone help me. Pain." (Translated in english for the benefit of all.) And in an instant, i got up as if i was struck by a bolt of lightning. Lol. Ok that's exagerrating. But really, suddenly i didn't feel tired or sleepy as i was before i heard my grandma's cries for help. In the toilet i saw my grandma sitting there stunned on the toilet floor. What happened seems to be a sudden case of Slip-and-fall due to slippery conditions in the toilet. She couldn't get up, not even move her leg. Sigh. It was a really painful sight to see. Someone as old as her lying there helpless. Well soon enough my aunt and cousin came to see if they can provide any form of assistance. End up we're not much help due to the chronic pain in my grandma's leg. So an ambulance was called and she's brought to the hospital.

3:01Am. I'm writing this entry in honour of her. I miss my grandma. I'll turn to her if i got scared. Yeah. at this age, im still afraid of sleeping alone. If i ever got scared due to some unforseen reasons, i'll wake my grandma up and ask her to talk to me. She'll watch me go to sleep and soon enough she'll fall asleep herself. Now she's not home, it just doesn't feel the same. sigh. I hope she'll make it through the operation. She suffers from a fractured cervic bone.

- I miss you pal. Now it's like we're starting back to square one. I'm part of your love triangle am i? I thought u didn't love him. I know that its stupid for me to stay here and expect u to love me. I don't. I love you. I do. But what is 'love' when the connection is not there. I don't want to be part of another love triangle. I chose this new path because i believed in you. I can't do it without you. It took me just 3 stupid months just to learn hatred tru love. I tried to move on just like u did. I guess its just not me to do that. How could you? I know i've done many stupid shit to make you hate me even more. But that don't give u a reason to tell me i didn't love u. I loved you more than i can love anyone in this world. And it took u just 31 minutes to make me wish that i was dead. I know u found someone new to love and shower all ur love with, im not here to stop you. All i want is to believe in love. And u came along to shatter all that like its nothing at all. I'm gonna leave u to do things on your own now pal. U really hurt me deep. My life is in a mess rite now and now i have to go through this. This is not just about you. I know that you're hurting. Try telling your story to a divorcee who had caught her husband in bed with another woman. Try telling your story to a woman who had a broken engagement. What do you think is their stand on love? They exist. They are not characters off a story book. I stand firm that i love u so much. And u have to finish me by telling me all that was a lie. Thank you. That's all i could ever need from you. -

~ciaoz

2005-03-13T03:09:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to the girl who could make me realise how special living it up is.

Dear you-know-who-you-are,

Like FACTS, it can never be what it is without the existance of a THEORY. Same goes with TRUTH. It can never be true until there is the existance of LIES. And we've been trough our share of Lies, So let's now settle for the Truth now shall we? I lay this new path because i know what it is inside to me feel happy. And im positive that this path will be the path i shall walk for the coming years of my life. And maybe one day, u'll walk with me. I know, i'm not as important as that fucking dick that u share ur current life with. But i guess rite now, i want to work hard for a future. A future that can make u happy if one day u choose to return to me. I know that's shameful to say but that's all i want from you. To see you come home to where we both last stopped.

I lost some friends because of this mess i made. Because they disbelieved me. They want me to live it up, find a new girl, etc. Guess i just can't do this. Thank you so much to Ramli and Faeez for sticking up for me and told me to do the things that makes me happy not the things that i have to do out of hobson's choice. Your advices made me realise that i can't lose someting that im chasing for. Something that makes me happy in this life i live. Despite the things that you've done, i understand we make mistakes. If not because of me, we'll still be laughing, smiling, together. Hey. I just don't know wat to say anymore. So is this growing up? This better be. I miss you alot. I wish to see u one more time if fate permits. Till then, i'll remain my melancholic self i've always been since the day my rays of hope left me day by day. Take care my pride and joy. May happiness be with u always.

He still sux. When's the last time he went on the operating theater?

~ciaoz